


A Myriad of Misdecisions

by Darksknight



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, AU/Writing Prompt, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bucky and Steve are married, Bucky and Steve are really bad secret keepers, Fluff, M/M, Previous Steve/Peggy - Freeform, Secret Relationship, Sexual Content, Smut, humor fic, natasha and Bucky are bffs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-07-24 07:38:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7499718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darksknight/pseuds/Darksknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>c-is-for-circinate’s AU: “My parents thought I was working for an insurance company in New York when really I was joining the CIA so I just sort of never mentioned when I met you on an assassination-gone-wrong and now we’ve been married for five years and they still don’t know you exist, this has gotten wildly out of hand and you won’t stop laughing about it”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Multi-chapter fic; not sure how often my updates will be! Chapter length will vary.

_“Our boy Steve is the kindest man you’ll ever meet- used to get into fights a lot when he was younger, but I don’t think he’s thrown a punch since he turned eighteen!”_

He kicks the nearest Hydra operative square in the chest and watches him go down. Widow takes the man to his left and Steve slams his fist into the jaw of the agent at his right.

_“He’s a real honest man; no secrets- always open.”_

He flinches as a knife manages to knick the side of his hand. Blood starts to seep from the wound quickly and he goes over what sort of excuses he hasn’t used for mysterious injuries yet. He thinks he’ll claim a filing cabinet accident for this one. 

_“And he works in insurance! We could never have afforded to live here without that.”_

He takes Hawkeye’s signal and throws his shoulder into the door of the base. They’ll be in, they’ll grab the target, and then Widow will burn the place to the ground. One less Hydra head to worry about, and the world will be a safer place. He checks his three o’ clock for any other operatives and then makes his move. 

_“Best part yet, Debra- he’s single! Your daughter would just love him, I know it.”_

He hears a bullet whiz past his ear and stops, watching a sniper fall from the shadows. He looks back over his shoulder and smiles. “Thanks, pal.” He says into the com. 

“Gotta keep the husband happy.” A voice in his ear replies. 

“Okay, kids, what have we said about using the com link for flirting?” Iron Man’s voice is crisp and unconcerned on the line. “Oh, but while we’re on the subject- Pepper, darling, dinner at six?”

_“He’s coming home for dinner tomorrow, actually! You should stop by!”_

“Target acquired.” Widow says. “Iron Man, use anything but a codename on the line again and Rescue and I will kill you personally.”

“And we won’t be back by six.” Rescue replies. “I mean, props to you for actually _planning_ on being late this time, but really?”

“Remember, I _do_ offer couple’s therapy.” Falcon snickers. 

“Didn’t we get scolded for using the com line like a chat-room, like, a weak ago?” Hawkeyes asks. There’s an explosion in the background of Clint’s line. “My hearing aids can only take so much chatter.”

“Sure, blame it on the hearing aids.” Tony sighs. “My state-of-the-art creation, might I add. A fifteen-billion dollar-“

“Where’d you pull that number out of?” Clint asks. 

“Same place you pull your hidden arrows outta’ buddy.” 

“Guys, can you- can you not do this on the line?” Hulk sighs. 

“But moooooooom.” Tony whines. 

“Heading inbound- ETA five minutes.” Steve interrupts. “Sorry Hulk.”

“Ugh, dad, why do you always take _his_ side?” Tony moans. 

Winter Soldier cackles. 

“Knew you’d like that one, Frosty.” 

Steve rolls his eyes and heads for the rendezvous point, unable to hide his grin. 

_“Well, I’d better be off. I’ll see you tomorrow; trust me, you’re just going to love Steve. He’s not a man of many surprises, haha, but he’ll definitely surprise your daughter!”_

“Dinner at the tower, crew?” Sam suggests. 

“You cooking, Falcon?” Steve can’t help the laugh in his voice. 

“I’m not the team mom; ask Hulk.”

“Please don’t do this to me.” Bruce groans.

“Dad, you’re up.” Sam says.

Steve laughs a little. “If that’s the way it’s gonna work.”

“As if he can cook.” Bucky drawls. “I’ll do it.”

“I can cook!”

“Ramen, maybe.” Clint chuckles. 

“Bigs words from a man who can barely do mac and cheese.” Natasha helps.

“And I thought we were friends.”

“Take out’s already on the way.” Pepper helps. “Thai food good with everyone?”

“Bless you, Rescue.” Bruce sighs. 

“She’s the true team mom.” Tony says. 

“Oh please.” Natasha quips. “She’s the team _boss_.”

“I like that.” Pepper laughs. 

“What happened to keeping chat off the line?” Bruce asks. 

“Take up with Dad, Mommy- Cap hasn’t condemned us yet.”

“Iron Man, you’re grounded when we get home.” Steve jokes. 

“Damn it.” 

“Langauge, son.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> c-is-for-circinate’s AU- “My parents thought I was working for an insurance company in New York when really I was joining the CIA so I just sort of never mentioned when I met you on an assassination-gone-wrong and now we’ve been married for five years and they still don’t know you exist, this has gotten wildly out of hand and you won’t stop laughing about it”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (So I want to include all of the avengers in this BUT. I'm wondering how to write Thor into a modern day no-powers AU. Because he has a very distinct speech pattern and if I get rid of it and make him talk like he's from this century I feel like I'm going to be erasing half of his character somehow. I mean, I wouldn't make English his first language or anything, but realistically no one really talks like that; first language or not. Thoughts?)  
> Anyway, here's Wonderwall.

Steve loves his mother. He doesn’t keep her in the dark because he wants to, honestly- there are some things he can’t tell her and others that… slip his mind. Often. 

“Steve!” Sarah envelopes Steve into a tight hug, beaming. “Oh, it’s so good to see you!” 

“Hi, mom.” He grins, holding her back. He drops his travel bag on the porch to hug her with both of his arms, hoping against all hope she wouldn’t notice the fact that his hand was bandaged. 

As soon as she draws back she gasps. “What on earth happened to your hand?”

He blushes and tries to hide his wince. “Ah, ma-“

She takes his injured hand in her own and frowns down at it. “Steve Grant Rogers-“

“Opened a filing cabinet that had the lip broken off.” He explains. “Hand slipped on the metal. Who ever said there’s no danger in a desk job was a dirty liar.” He laughs.

“You had it checked out?”

“Just a small cut. It’s fine.”

She squints at him. “Alright… if you say so. Come in, come in, you’ve got to get ready.” 

Steve quirks his head to the side. “Getting ready? It’s just us, isn’t it?”

“Oh, no dear, I’m having Debra and her daughter over as well. You’ve not met them yet- they moved in a couple months ago.” She smiles. “Now go on- go get set up and put on a nice shirt, then you can come help out in the kitchen.”

He smiles. “You got it ma.”

He’s not all that surprised by the possibility of company for dinner, but the smile his mother keeps giving him makes him internally panic a little. That is the same mischievous smile he gives Bucky right before doing things that make Bucky yell, “Steve, Goddamn it!” He does not want to be in a position that makes him want to yell, “Mom, goddamn it!” (Not that he could- she’d have his ear for that, never mind that he’s thirty-two.) 

He changes despite that, glad that he’s the over-repaired type who packs everything in the damn closet when he goes on vacation. If it’s a mission, he can pack two things and be good to go, but anything else? Forget it. 

His phone buzzes as he’s exiting his room. 

Buckaroni and Cheese: _how goes it, cap?_

Steve smiles and shakes his head. _Preparing for the worst. Mom’s got this weird smile on her face and we’re having company for dinner._

Buckaroni and Cheese: _she knwos_

_She does not._

_she knows steve. ur super secret cia live is compromised._

_Shut up._

_too bad ur not here or u could make me ;)_

_I can’t believe I married you._

_love u too bb_

Steve shuts his phone and slides it into his pocket. He’ll talk to Bucky more after dinner, or if things aren’t going so well, during dinner. He enters the kitchen to help Sara finish cooking. They’re having spaghetti and garlic bread- her go-to for company, since there’s not anyone in the entire world who makes better meatballs or bread. Steve breathes in the smell of the cooking and sighs. He’s missed this. 

He’s suddenly arrested by the thought that Bucky hasn’t eaten his mother’s home-cooking. 

Let’s back up a bit. Eight years, maybe. Bucky is _the_ top-grade assassin of the century, and Steve is only three years into his job as a CIA agent. They shouldn’t be well-matched, as Natasha points out, but Steve is freakishly good at his job, and it’s been rumored that the Winter Soldier has a thing for blue-eyed blonds. So, they’ve got those bases covered. 

They’d dealt with the guy once before, when he’d come after Natasha. Half way through the missions he’d been recalled- Nat was suddenly not the top traitor in the Russian-spy world- and so they’d never come head to head or anything, but he’d damn near killed Natasha. That was saying something, because Natasha was the most capable person Steve knew. 

The new target was their director, Nick. Steve also knew Nick wasn’t a guy to be messed with, and was honestly honored by being chosen as offense and defense for a man who had everything figured out. 

Long, long story short- the assassination is a major blow. (Make what you will of that.) And, in a very Black Windowesque fashion, Bucky switches sides. Three years later and he’s married to Steve. 

_Five_ years later, Steve is in the kitchen realizing his husband has never had his mother’s home cooking on account of his mother not being aware said husband actually exists. 

He’s been meaning to bring it up. 

The doorbell rings and Steve finds his voice a little off when he says, “I’ll get it.” 

His mother doesn’t notice and says, “Go ahead, dear.”

He hurries to the entry way and pulls the door open, smiling wide. He’s met by a dark-haired woman around his mother’s age and a brunette his age. She looks a little big like Peggy and he immediately cringes. 

Peggy had been the reason he’d gotten into the CIA at all. She’d been his partner, and his love, for a year before she’d been killed on a solo-mission. His mother had known about Peggy, since he’d brought her around all the time before the CIA business or her death. He couldn’t help but think this was his mother looking to help him move on. 

“Oh, you must be Steve!” The dark-haired woman says. “I’m Debra, your mother’s friend.”

“From book club.” He remembers. He offers out his hand to shake and swallows back his sudden gloom. He really, really misses Peg. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“This is my daughter, Megan.” 

Steve shakes her hand as well and focuses on the fact that her eyes are green and not brown. “Nice to meet you.” He says again. He reminds himself that his mother has nothing but the best intentions at heart. “Come on in.”

They do as Steve steps back and smiles again. He closes the door behind him and reaches into his pocket to text Bucky. He stops, though, before he pulls the phone out of hiding. The slight similarity in looks between Megan and Peggy doesn’t have to mean anything. Maybe his mother didn’t even know. He doesn’t have to panic and tell Bucky that his mom is trying to set him up.

… Except, as he finds a couple minutes later, that she is. 

“Oh, Megan, you said you were into photography? Steve loves art!”

“Oh, Megan, you’re in accounting? Steve is in insurance!”

“Oh, Megan, you want to visit New York? Steve lives there, don’t you Steve? I’m sure he’d love to show you around.”

He swallows a groan and smiles. Secretly he pulls his phone out underneath the table. 

_Okay, so my mom is trying to set me up with a girl right now._

Bucky takes a minute to reply. _Is she cute?_

_Bucky!!!_

_Jk jk. She does realize ur married right? lol_

_…_

_ur dot dot dot is kinda concerning._

_I… may have forgotten to mention it._

_u said you were going to tell her last christmas!!!_

_And did I text you screaming “I did it, I didi it” like I said I would?_

_omg_

_So yeah. What do I do?_

_idk maybe TELL HER UR MARRIED TO A HOT ASSASSIN???_

Steve texts him a scowl. 

_Ok maybe not that last part._ Bucky amends. _but maybe the part where ur married_

_I can’t!_

_… if i didn't find this fucking hilarious i’d be pissed at u right now rogers_

_Bucky help me_

_Does she even know you like guys?_

_No._

_Welp. that’s gonna be one hell of a coming out. XD_

_Who uses XD anymore?_

_Uh, your closet husband, that’s who. shut the fuck up_

_Sorry_

“More pasta, Steve?” Mis mom smiles pleasantly at him from the other side of the table. She’d strategically sat him next to Megan, and across from herself. There is no escape.

“Yes, thank you.”

_ok here’s what u do. just throw the date_

_???_

_well i mean this girl is interested in u, right?_

_I guess… I don’t know._

_well ur mom is like u, right?_

_Like me?_

_A stubborn ass._

_Well, I wouldn’t call her that, but yes._

_So you’re going on a date with this girl whether you like it or not. Just throw it._

_That’s so mean!!!1_

_So is hiding your husband._

He sends another grumpy face Bucky’s way.

_i’m not the one who got u in this situation pal_

_ughhhhhhhhh_

_lol trust me baby just go on the date_

_you’re not mad?_

_Mad? fuck no. this is the funniest shit to happen since… well idk. Steve ‘Responsible’ Rogers in a situation like this? gold_

_You are not helping._

_I am too, you punk_

_So just… go on a date with her?_

_Duh_

_alright. If you say so._

_Trust me. I’ve got a plan._

Nothing good ever ends with those four words, if they’re coming from Bucky. The last time he uttered those words Steve had come back to the tower to find Peter Parker with his feet superglued to the ceiling, nearly passed out he was so red-in the face. 

Still, he doesn’t see what choice he has. He’s the one who got himself in this situation. 

_I love you._ He texts.

_gay._ Bucky texts back. 

He rolls his eyes and helps himself to another piece of garlic bread. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I know I was saying "parents" before and all that jazz, but I've decided that Steve's dad is dead- like he was in cannon, so that Steve's mom raised him on her own. I don't know why I even attempted to write him in. When back and changed mentions of "parents" to just his mom. Hope no one minds too much.

Megan isn’t bad, he guesses. Though, it’s kind of weird to be on a date with her when- in fact- he’s already married. He feels like he should be guilty, but he keeps texting Bucky about it and all his husband does it laugh at him. 

As he suspected, his mom somehow managed to coerce him into a date. She worked damn fast, and had sent them out for breakfast together. Megan had been pushed into by _her_ mother, but she didn’t seem to be upset. 

As they sat down at the little caffe down the street, Steve pulled his phone out and texted Bucky _officially on the weirdest date of my life._

Bucky texts back _six years ago, Sushi Garden_

_Oh. Yeah._

“What are you thinking of getting?” He asks Megan.

She smiles a little and tucks her hair back behind her ear. “The blueberry muffins look really good. Not sure what to drink, though.”

“The chai is good.” He says. 

“What are you getting?”

“English muffin and the breakfast blend coffee.”

She nods.

Their server comes by, they order, and then there’s a long stretch of silence. Megan picks at the corner of the table cloth and looks around the room, trying to find something to talk about.

“So.” She says. 

He opens his mouth. He closes it. “So!”

He’s hopeless. 

To: Buckaroni and Cheese: _help what do I do!??!?!?_

“You’re hopeless, you know that?”

Steve starts at the familiar voice and turns, eyes wide as plates as he comes face-to-face with none other than “B-buck?”

“Hey pal.” He pulls a chair up to the table with a shit eating grin and sits. “Meg, right?”

She’s clearly confused (almost as much as Steve) but she answers anyway. “Um, yeah.”

“I’m Yasha.” He grins, letting a little bit of a Russian accent into his voice. “Didn’t mean to barge in, but I haven’t seen Steven here in ages, so when I saw him…” He turns and gives Steve a shit-eating grin. 

“Yeah. Fancy seeing you here.” Steve says. He never should have trusted Bucky to make a good plan. This- this was the opposite of a good plan. What was he supposed to do? March home with Bucky, shove him inside, and say ‘oh hey mom, this is my _husband_ Bucky?’ As far as he knew, his mom didn’t even suspect that he was bisexual. 

“Oh, you’re fine.” Megan says. She smiles a little. “Are you hungry? We just ordered.”

“I’m fine, but thanks.” Bucky settles a little more comfortably in his chair, leaning into Steve’s side a little. “You don’t mind me crashing your date, do you?”

“Not at all.” If anything, Megan looks a little relived by the sudden opening in the conversation. “Though, if you don’t mind me asking, how do you know Steve?”

He smirks. 

Steve wonders what exactly this is payback for. Was it the rickrolls? Putting his cold feet against Bucky’s warm back in the middle of the night? The magnets on Bucky’s prosthetic? 

“We’re good friends.” He holds up his flesh hand and crosses his fingers together. “Met through his work, actually.”

Steve groans.

“Did you know insurance fraud is a felony? I had no idea.”

Megan laughs at that one. “You don’t say?”

“Yep. Stevie here got all twisted up about it. You know, the old, ‘what the fuck you can’t burn your shed down and blame it on electrical problems you idiot I can see the cans of gasoline in your garage from where I’m standing.’ It was the start of a beautiful friendship.” 

Megan laughs a long time at that one. She might think he’s joking (which, technically, he is- but Steve is pretty sure Bucky is claiming this one as their solid story) or just that he’s an idiot for trying something so dumb, or even that he’s just funny, somehow. 

To: Buckaroni and Cheese: _we’re getting a divorce_

From: Buckaroni and Cheese: _okay but consider this. who gonna sext u when i’mg one_

From: Buckaroni and Cheese: _*gone_

Steve rolls his eyes.

‘Yasha’ goes on. “Haven’t seen him in a little while, though, huh Steve?”

“It hasn’t been long enough.” Steve mutters. 

Megan laughs again. “Now that sounds like true friendship.”

“See? I thought as much.” 

Their food came, then. The waitress asked Bucky if he wanted anything, and he said no, so she left. As soon as she was gone he started to drink Steve’s coffee. 

“You could have gotten your own.” Steve grumbles. He doesn’t actually mind- he likes sharing with Bucky. “Thief.”

“It tastes better when I steal it from you.” He quips. To prove his point, he breaks off a piece of Steve’s English muffin and pops it in his mouth with a smirk.

Megan is looking between them. She’s putting the pieces together, Steve realizes- it’s really not hard. From the way they sit together, to their easy banter, to the food stealing; it all pushes at the ‘friendship’ line a little bit. Steve’s sure the fact that he’d been uncomfortable and stiff as a board until Bucky’d shown up is another clue she won’t miss. They’ll have to work on that. 

Steve takes back his coffee and takes a long gulp.

“Your mother said you were single.” Megan suddenly says. 

He winces. 

“You’re not, right?” She doesn’t look upset. “Or am I just reading this wrong?”

Bucky is suddenly incredibly unhelpful in the way he’s not spinning up some story or reacting at any way at all. He gives Steve a look as if to say, ‘this one’s yours, buddy,’ and continues to steal bits of Steve’s breakfast.

“She… doesn’t know.” Steve decides he’ll just go with the truth. 

Megan nods, suddenly looking relieved. “Oh, thank god.”

Bucky chokes on a laugh. 

Steve’s eyebrows raise. He knows he’s awkward, but this? 

Megan’s eyes widen. “N-not that I- I mean.” She swallows. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m a lesbian. My, uh, my mother doesn’t know. So she keeps trying to set me up. Like your mom, apparently.”

“Oh.”

She nods. “I thought it was pathetic, being my age and still in the closet, but, well-“

“We’re married and Steve’s mom doesn’t know.” Bucky says. 

She blinks.

Steve groans and drags his hands down his face.

“O-oh. Well. That’s… a bit more closeted than I am.” She laughs. “Still, it’s refreshing in a weird way. All my friends are out and so it’s kind of weird being the only one in the closet, you know?”

“Yeah.” Steve groans. 

“I don’t even know if my mom would react badly. I just…” She shrugs. 

“Me too.” 

“And it’s not so bad going out with all these guys she sets me up with. Usually they’re pretty nice about it, and it’s fun enough to just go out as friends.” She shrugs. “I have this feelings I’m your first set-up.”

He nods. 

“Still… you’re married?”

“Five years.” Steve groans. 

“He’s been trying to figure out how to let his folks know.” Bucky adds. 

“Do they even know you?” Megan asks. 

Bucky shakes his head. “Never met ‘em.”

“Well… why don’t you start there?” She suggests. “I mean, I’m gay, so I’ve got an easy time telling, but your mom? I mean, she’s known you your whole life and she doesn’t know, right? So it shouldn’t be too hard to just say you’ve got a friend from New York down and want him to stay at the house with you, right?”

Steve blinks. 

So, okay, the whole bi-thing isn’t the biggest issue here. In fact, it’s not even really a top reason as to why his mom doesn’t know about Bucky. The real reason would be that, well, he’s a brainwashed ex-assassin from Russia. And that Steve _married_ the guy without telling his mom, since he couldn’t legally allow anyone to know that the Winder Soldier existed at all, at the time. Since then things have changes significantly, but how do you explain that? Oh, yeah, sorry mom, I couldn’t tell you I was seeing someone because I was under oath not to let anyone know he was alive in the first place, much less in the country, haha. Because people who worked in insurance did _not_ have those sorts of problems. Like, the whole gay thing is kind of a side note. But it’s doing a damn good job of explaining why Bucky’s a big secret. 

And that aside… Meg’s idea isn’t a bad one. 

“That… might actually work.” Steve says, slowly. They’ve got plenty of time to make a story up. He doesn’t even have to tell his mom they’re married! He can start out by having Bucky around as his best friend. Then, he doesn’t have to tell her, but he doesn’t have to keep leaving Buck behind when he goes off to see his mom. He can actually _talk_ about his “Best Pal” Bucky. “That’s a great idea!”

Megan shakes her head. “You seem pretty bright- can’t believe you didn’t think of it yourself.”

“He misses the obvious answers a lot.” Bucky snickers. 

“Let’s do it!” Steve decides, ignoring Bucky’s remark. Then he pauses, turning to his husband. “You want to, right? This is okay?”

“Duh.” He rolls his eyes, still grinning. “Can’t wait to meet your mom.” 

Thus, The Plan is officially set into motion.

(It won’t be as simple as Steve might think.) 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost-filler-chapter before we get this show on the road. I promise, the humor and romance is going to be in full swing next chapter. Think I told someone I was hoping to do daily updates, but that is clearly not what''s happened. I'll still try, but I've been too busy, sadly. Anyway, please enjoy!

Steve gets home in time for lunch. Bucky comes in with him, arms laden with his packed things. Steve just hoped he would be able to ask permission for Bucky’s stay before his mother saw and asked who the guy moving in was. 

“Mom?”

“In the living room!” She calls. 

He heads that way, sure he’s going to find her working on a quilt. Instead, she’s watching TV; a day time soap opera. He cringes at the sight.

“How was the date with Megan?” Sara asks. She turns and smiles warmly at him.

“Oh.” He’d forgotten to invent an excuse as to why he and Megan weren’t going to work out. “It was good. She seems like a real nice girl.” He sits down next to his mother on the couch. “I ran into someone.”

“Oh?” She turns away from the TV, interest perked. 

“Yeah. An old friend. He was on his way to a hotel, but I thought, hey, why make him pay a bunch of money when he could… stay here?”

“Steve, that’s wonderful! Of course he can stay.”

Steve lets out a long breath of relief. “Thanks, ma. I let him in- he’s putting his stuff in the guest room.”

His mother pales.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Oh, dear, um, I’ve been using _your_ room as the guest room, ah, the real guest room, is, well.” She stands and begins to hurry down the hall. “I’ve been using it for storage and it’s a big mess. I hope he hasn’t seen it yet, oh dear-“

She stops, so Steve does as well. He can see over her head and down the hall. Bucky hasn’t discovered the mess of the guest room yet. He’s stopped in the hall, admiring old family photos. He looks back at the noise and grins. 

“This you, Stevie?” He gestures at a picture of a very, very skinny Steve. “You don’t look more than ninety pounds.” He turns, grinning, and then notices Mrs. Rogers. He steps forward and offers out his right hand, smiling easily. “James Barnes, ma’am, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

She smiles and shakes his hand. “Oh my, what manners. I’m Sara.”

“Mom said you’re good to stay with us.” Steve says, smiling. 

“Y-you don’t mind sharing a room with Steven, do you?”

Bucky does that things were he bites back what _would_ have been a suggestive smirk if it hasn’t been for the company they were in. “Not at all, ma’am.”  
“Sara, please.” She laughs happily. 

“Sara.” He repeats. “It won’t be too much trouble for you to have me here?”

“Of course not, dear! It’s always a delight to have company.” She beams. “I’ll get the air mattress for you; Steven will show you to his room.” 

“Thank you, Sara.”

“It’s no problem at all!” She scoots past him in the hallways and towards the old guest room, slipping inside and being sure not to show them the interior. 

Steve just rolls his eyes and says, “This way to the new and improved guest room.” 

“Your room, huh? How’d you swing that?” Bucky follows after him with a grin. “Thought we were supposed to be friends.”

“We are.” He affirms. “Mom isn’t prepared for company. Just… play it cool.”

He levels Steve with ‘the look’ and says, “I’m the definition of cool.”

Steve sighs and wonders how this is already beginning to feel like a disaster when nothing’s actually happened. 

“Just be glad you call me Buck all the time.”

“What? Why?”

“She won’t be suspicious when she keeps hearin’ a word that rhymes with my name all night ’s all.”

It takes him a second. “Bucky!”

He just laughs. By then, they’ve reached Steve’s room, so he steps inside. He whistles. “I was expecting more red, white, and blue.”

“The codename is a joke.”

“I mean, really, where’s the flag-themed wallpaper? The Uncle Sam sheets?”

Steve used to have a comforter that looked like the American flag when he was younger. Unfortunately, he used to get sick a lot, too, so that hadn’t lasted long. He doesn’t mention it to Bucky. 

Bucky drops his things in a corner with Steve’s, still taking the room in. “This is kinda nice.” He says. “It almost feels like home, you know?”

Steve smiles. “Yeah. It does.”

Bucky rolls his eyes and elbows Steve in the ribs, softly. “Well of course it feels like home to you, punk, this _is_ your home.”

“Actually, my home is with you.”

Bucky blushes.

Steve hadn’t even thought about what he was implying before saying anything, but once he takes in what he’d said, he smiles softly. It’s the truth, and the fact that it made Bucky blush makes it even better. 

Sara comes back into the room then, all smiles. She sets down the box with the blow-up mattress down and then stretches. “Well, you two get settled in and we’ll get lunch on. Sandwiches okay?”

“Yes please.” Steve smiles as his mother begins out of the room. After a moment he remembers, “Bucky doesn’t like Mayo!” 

“Okay!” His mother yells back down the hall. “Mustard?”

“Yes, please!”

Bucky looks up from where he’d been getting the mattress out of the box. “Oh yeah. We’re definitely just friends.” 

He raises a brow. “What?”

“I’m just saying, don’t know me so well. Good friends might know what they like and don’t on sandwiches but you’ve gotta be careful. Like, uh, what’s my favorite food?”

“Plums.”

“Okay, what’s my second favorite food?”

“Ribs.”

“No. Shh. You don’t know that. Who knows what their friends _second_ favorite food is?”

Steve nods. It makes… sense. But, “Natasha’s second favorite is dumplings, Sam’s is cheeseburgers. It’s not that weird to know.”

Bucky sighs. “I forgot about your freak memory and extra helping of friendship. Maybe this won’t be as bad as we thought. You could be involved with any of your friends from the amount you know about them.”

Steve beams, proud. 

“But see, Stevie, when people ask what I’m like in bed? That’s when you pipe down.”

Steve narrows his eyes. “I’m not stupid, jerk.”

“Or, like, when we got married? Also maybe play dumb on that one. Do the whole ‘what, married? Gosh golly I think I’d remember if we were married ha, ha, ha, ha’ thing.”

Steve continues to give him a dry look.

Bucky just smirks, like he’s hot shit. He’s not. 

“Just remember not to get too friendly.” Steve says. “I might be in danger of slipping up on the information front, but you’re the one who can’t keep it in his pants.”

“That’s fair.” Bucky shrugs.

Steve shakes his head. 

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Bucky says. He laughs a little, and finally finished laying things out (they’ll blow the mattress up later- it’s good to sit on the floor, for now) he stands and starts for the hall. “I’m so glad to finally meet your mom. Never thought it’d happen.”

Steve flushes. “Sorry, Buck.”

“S fine. This works. Don’t know why we didn’t think of it before. We need more lesbians around to tell us what to do. Us bi’s don’t know shit.”

“I resent that.” 

“Do we even have a lesbian on the team?”

“Nope.”

“Pity.” 

He nods, agreeing.

They enter the kitchen to find Mrs. Rogers has already created a couple of perfect sandwiches. Bucky mutters something about Steve not inheriting the talent and Steve jabs him in the ribs. He’s a good cook, damn it. 

Sara turns around to greet them, but pauses. Her head tilts to the side and she seems to consider them for a second. 

Steve’s heart begins to thunder in his chest. “You okay, mom?”

She nods, and the look is gone. “Of course! Sit down, sit down, let’s eat!” 

They do. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys I love your comments but is it weird for me to reply to them??? I feel like I should but at the same time I'm like maybe not? Idk what AO3 protocol is for this sort of thing.
> 
> Anyway. Enjoy the team update. Cuz lord knows it wouldn't be a stucky fic without the avengers poking fun at them.

 

_ <Chat Room- secure server- IronProtocol302305> _

 

SamWilson22: so hows the romantic getaway?

Arrows4dayz: lol u guys get caught yet he means

manwithaplan: It’s going great so far! My mom and Buck couldn’t stop talking all lunch. Bucky really liked the sandwiches, and he’s somehow tricked her into thinking he’s some sort of swell guy.

BillionairePlayboy: sandwiches? um, capcilcle, where THE HELL are ours???

hipsDOlie: that’s the spy training for you. 

WinterIsCumming: um fuck u guys I’m swell AF

NotGreen: yeah remember the time he watered my plants while I was gone?

NotSpiderMan: OMG the winter soldier waters plants???? XD

BillionairePlayboy: Parker your age is showing. Who the fuck uses XD?

NotSpiderMan: :( 

WinterIsCumming: Yeah I water plants. I water plants, cook pancakes, and can kill you 27 different ways with a pen so idk what ur laughing at kid. 

SamWillson22: I don’t know why I even askes.

SamWilson22: *asked

manwithaplan: I still use XD

BillionairePlayboy: wow way to join us again Cap. Were you frozen for 70 years Jesus. The XD thing has past. It’s beyond past. We buried it. Had a funeral. Natasha sang; it was very romantic, you should have been there. 

Pepperoni: Tony be nice. 

NotGreen: Tony be nice. 

BillionairePlayboy: WOW ok double teamed by my lovers? where’s the love?

hipsDOlie: It’s dead. It’s beyond dead. We buried it. Had a funeral. I sang, it was very romantic, you should have been there. 

Arrows4dayz: OHHHhHHHHHHhhHHHHHHHH BURN

Arrows4dayz: someone call the medics we’re gonna need some ice

Arrows4dayz: QUICK BEFORE HE GETS SCARRED

BillionairePlayboy: um okay rude? clint ur no longer invited to pizza night

Arrows4dayz: since when do we HAVE pizza night????

SamWillson22: It should be a thing, actually.

BillionairePlayboy: Fine it’s a thing starting now. Fridays. And clint’s not invited. 

Arrows4dayz: I’ll bring beer

BillionairePlayboy: update- Clint is 100% invited

< _THORSONOFODIN has entered the chat room >_

THORSONOFODIN: GREETINGS FRIENDS WHAT HAVE I MISSED?

WinterIsCumming: a lesson on how to turn off caps lock, it seems

manwithaplan: Bucky be nice

WinterIsCumming: lol what the wtf does nice mean haha

BillionarePlayboy: Jarvis make note of our new favorite expression- what the wtf

_Server J.A.R.V.I.S made note <what the wtf> added._

WinterIsCumming: :)

hipsDOlie: That smile is almost as menacing as it would have been if I typed it.

NotGreen: What? It’s happy, Natasha. Look! :) 

SamWilson22: … why is it so cute when Bruce does it? 

Pepperoni: Aw, Bruce! 

BillionairePlayboy: What about when I do it? :)

hipsDOlie: ew. tacky. get that away from me

BillionairePlayboy: I’m hurt. 

hipsDOlie: :) 

BillionairePlayboy: Oooooookay so Natasha is never sending that again. 

NotSpiderMan: I’m scared. 

Arrows4dayz: It’s healthy, kid, just take it in

SamWilson22: yikes. 

THORSONOFODIN: WHAT IS CAPS LOCK?

WinterIsCumming: Thor are you using Internet Explorer?

BillionairePlayboy: he’s totally using internet explorer 

manwithaplan: even I’m not that bad

BillionairePlayboy: oh please you don’t even have adblock 

manwithaplan: adblock?

WinterIsCumming: THIS is what I married. 

manwithaplan: :( 

SamWilson22: Oh look, James, you hurt his feelings

WinterIsCumming: come on baby don’t 

BillionairePlayboy: fight, fight, fight, fight!

manwithaplan: Tony

SamWilson22: Tony shut up

WinterIsCumming: Tony shut the fuck up

Pepperoni: Tony.

THORSONOFODIN: WHAT IS INTERNET EXPLORER?

BillionairePlayboy: okay ignoring how you all ganged up on me like a bunch of dicks (not you Pepper, you’re still an angel and I love you) Thor is hopeless. Who invited him to the chat? Oh wait that was me. But really? Come on, man, I downloaded, no, I INVENTED AllSpeak for you and you disgrace it with a shitty browser? Please. Don’t do this to me. Think of the children.

NotSpiderMan: I’m lost. 

< _TheBetterTwin has entered the chat room >_

TheBetterTwin: Hello everyone! Greetings from Romania! 

hipsDOlie: It’s best just to ignore him Peter. Nothing his says ever makes sense.

hipsDOlie: *he says

NotGreen: Hello Wanda! Wonderful to hear from you! 

TheBetterTwin: Is Tony making nonsense again?

manwithaplan: Hi Wanda! :D 

NotSpiderMan: Hey Wanda!

hipsDOlie: Does Tony ever make sense? Ever?

BillionairePlayboy: Honestly? I am feeling so attacked right now. 

SamWilson22: free first counseling season for you down at my office if you wanna cry about it, Tony.

Arrows4dayz: is it beat up on Tony day? Has it finally happened? Are my dreams coming true? 

hipsDOlie: it’s always beat up on Tony day. 

BillionairePlayboy: I’d be mad but that means I’m the focus of each and every day and really I’m pretty alright with that. 

Pepperoni: Don’t say that you’re going to inflate his ego

Pepperoni: oh never mind too late

NotGreen: Ignoring that, Wanda, how are you and Pietro doing?

TheBetterTwin: We’re doing well! Nothing to report on. We ARE wondering about our favorite love birds, though! I hear they’re visiting Steve’s mother?

WinterIsCumming: out of everyone we’re your favorite? damn that’s sad

< _NowYouSeeMe has entered the chat room >_

manwithaplan: Awww Wanda! <3

Arrows4dayz: it’s not me and nat because why???

hipsDOlie: Clint shut up.

NowYouSeeMe: what you didn’t see that one coming?

Arrows4dayz: kid I swear I am THIS CLOSE to killing you

Arrows4dayz: you can run but you can still die

NowYouSeeMe: ok old man i’ll remember that

Arrows4dayz: oh you are SO dead

Arrows4dayz: Natasha this has nothing to do with what’s going on but would you mind killing someone for me? for old times sake?

< _hipsDOlie has left the chat room >_

Arrows4dayz: traitor. 

NotSpiderMan: ok but seriously? how did you guys end up in this situation?

SamWilson22: you might want to clarify on ‘you guys’

NotSpiderMan: oh sorry um i mean mr. rogers and sergeant barnes 

BillionairePlayboy: oh my god

BillionairePlayboy: mr. rogers

BillionairePlayboy: HOW have I NOT used that one before?

manwithaplan: please don’t

BillionairePlayboy: IT’S A WONDERFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD STEVE

WinterIsCumming: lol Steve got himself mixed up in a date with a lesbian and so I decided to be a good husband and swooped in to save him like usual. so now we’re staying at his mom’s as super duper best buddy friends only no homo 

SamWilson22: ...

SamWilson22: yeah that’s not gonna last

manwithaplan: It’s actually been really nice so far! Basically, I haven’t really been able to tell Mom about Bucky because, well, you know. Secret CIA job and everything. But having him here as a friend means that I can finally talk about him, bring him home with me, have mom get to know him. That kind of thing ^-^

NotSpiderMan: one day I want to be that romantic

WinterIsCumming: one time he made me a burnt pancake and said it was a symbol of our love for each other. i really don’t think u wanna have steve as ur model for romance lmao

SamWilson22: Yeah nothing says romance like hiding your five year marriage from your mother

Arrows4dayz: And I thought I was brutal jesus

manwithaplan: :( 

TheBetterTwin: whoa why is it so sad when Steve types the face? 

TheBetterTwin: :( 

TheBetterTwin: when I type it I just look like an idiot

NowYouSeeMe: that’s because you are an idiot 

TheBetterTwin: :) 

WinterIsCumming: almost as scary as when I type it. ur getting there kid

NotGreen: So, are you planning on telling your mother about your relationship, Steve?

NowYouSeeMe: oh please she’s as scary as wet bread

NotSpiderMan: I choked on wet bread once. it was very scary

BillionairePlayboy: and here’s where we remember the official nerd of the team is, in fact, Peter. 

manwithaplan: I don’t think so. I want to ease into it, slowly, you know? Maybe make her feel like I haven’t been hiding it, but more like it’s just now happening. We can always get married again, so that she can actually be there this time! 

NotSpiderMan: do you feel good about harassing a teenager online?

WinterIsCumming: hm, second honeymoon? i’m down

BillionairePlayboy: Oh hey that’s right! You’re just a kid, huh? Guess that means you’re not allowed to come to party nights. No booze around minors, after all, it’s very tasteless. 

THORSONOFODIN: IT IS VERY GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN WANDA.

NotSpiderMan: oh now I remember why I don’t do sassy comments

BillionairePlayboy: jesus christ Thor you. You make me so sad. So, so sad. Are you using IRC? No one uses that, by the way. That’s from the stone age. In fact, I think it’s before the stone age. I want to fly to to England and just. Just take that sad, sad browser off your piece of shit old computer. Add Skype maybe. Who am I kidding Skype is total shit you’re getting the home-made chat room server that I made. Bug free. Maybe a whole new computer. It just. It breaks my heart, Thor, it really does. Why isn’t Jane helping you? Someone needs to be helping you. Just. Pepper, do I have any clearing in my schedule to make the trip to London? I really want to make a trip to London. 

Pepperoni: no you’re booked

BillionairePlayboy: Then it’s settled. Thor, darling, I’m coming to London. 

Pepperoni: …

< _Pepperoni has left the chat room >_

BillionairePlayboy: whoops. 

BillionairePlayboy: Jarvis, send Mrs. Potts some flowers, would you? Red roses. 

_Server J.A.R.V.I.S does not recognize command. For a list of commands press CNTRL/?_

BillionairePlayboy: Right. I’ll have to ask for that out loud then. 

TheBetterTwin: I feel like this might go wrong, Steve, but if it doesn’t I’d love to be there for the second wedding!

NowYouSeeMe: as much as I’m a fan of the cap I kinda WANT to see this go wrong

Arrows4dayz: I second that

SamWilson22: For the humor of it

WinterIsCumming: u guys are dicks

NotSpiderMan: hey I think it’s a great plan Captain Rogers!

BillionairePlayboy: oh sure change it to captain before I can milk the joke

manwithaplan: Thank you, Peter. 

< _SizeMaybeMatters has entered the chat room >_

manwithaplan: well, crew, we’ll check in again tomorrow! mom wants us to make dinner with her- she’s going to teach Bucky how to make homemade bread. 

SizeMaybeMatters: okay I see how it is. leave the second ant man gets here. ok

SizeMaybeMatters: Wait your mom’s teaching the winter soldier how to make bread?

SizeMaybeMatters: thats

SizeMaybeMatters: domestic

SizeMaybeMatters: Like really domestic

SizeMaybeMatters: I mean I know the guy can handle a knife but

SizeMaybeMatters: A whisk?

SizeMaybeMatters: I’m just saying I don’t see it is all

SizeMaybeMatters: oh shit is he gonna wear an apron?

SizeMaybeMatters: PLEASE tell me Mr. Dark and Scary is wearing an Apron

BillionairePlayboy: And here, folks, we can see someone who has had more coffee than should be humanly possible. Maybe no sleep for several days. Who knows? All we can say is STOP WITH THE MULTI TEXTS THE NOTIFICATION NOISE IS ANNOYING

BillionarePlayboy: Jarvis make a note of that. I need to change the noise. 

_Server J.A.R.V.I.S made note <I need to change the noise> added. _

WinterIsCumming: I make domestic look dead sexy

WinterIsCumming: And I could kill you with a whisk scott

SizeMaybeMatters: Yikes

SizeMaybeMatters: Like big yikes

SizeMaybeMatters: Tripple yikes even

SizeMaybeMatters: I mean I do see the joke in DEAD sexy 

SizeMaybeMatters: with the assassinness and all

SizeMaybeMatters: and the sexiness

SizeMaybeMatters: but I mean like

< _BillionairePlayboy has booted SizeMaybeMatters from the chat room >_

BillionairePlayboy: that’s better

NotGreen: Tony you can’t just boot people if they’re annoying you.

BillionairePlayboy: oh?

< _BillionairePlayboy has booted NotGreen from the chat room >_

TheBetterTwin: Tony!!!

manwithaplan: hey don’t boot Bruce

WinterIsCumming: and they say I’m a dick

NowYouSeeMe: you booted Bruce? wtf man?? ? 

BillionairePlayboy: OH MY GOD IT WAS A JOKE. I was about to add him back in who do you think I am? BUT NO JUST START SCREAMING AT ME BECAUSE I SASSED MOM.

< _BillionairePlayboy has added NotGreen to the chat room >_

NotGreen: …

< _NotGreen has left the chatroom >_

BillionairePlayboy: Ok NOW I feel like an asshole

WinterIsCumming: nice going 

Arrows4dayz: well if he’s out I’m out 

< _Arrows4dayz has left the chatroom >_

NowYouSeeMe: yeah wtf

< _NowYouSeeMe has left the chatroom >_

_ <SamWilson22 has left the chatroom>_

BillionairePlayboy: You guys

BillionairePlayboy: Oh even Sam? Ok isn’t he supposed to be the adult around here?

NotSpiderMan: :( poor Mr. Banner

manwithaplan: Well, um, I guess we’ll talk to you guys later…

WinterIsCumming: yeah I’m out

WinterIsCumming: fucking tony

_< WinterIsCumming has left the chatroom>_

BillionairePlayboy: okay well fuck me I guess 

NotSpiderMan: Talk to you later Captain Rogers! have a fun vacation!

< _NotSpiderMan has left the chatroom >_

TheBetterTwin: Keep us updated on how it goes, Steve. I call bride’s maid. 

TheBetterTwin: or whatever it is they call it when it’s gay ;) 

manwithaplan: Alright, Wanda, haha! And oh, bye Peter!

< _TheBetterTwin has left the chatroom >_

BillionairePlayboy: *sigh*

manwithaplan: bye tony

BillionairePlayboy: well at least someone still loves me

BillonairePlayboy: It’s such a good feeling, knowing you’ll be back, when the day is new, and you’ll have more ideas for us, and we’ll have things we’ll want to talk about, you will too~

< _Manwithaplan has left the chatroom >_

BillionairePlayboy: … okay well BYE DAD 

BillionairePlayboy: ………. 

BillionairePlayboy: Jarvis, make a note to send Doctor Banner flowers too. 

_Server J.A.R.V.I.S made a note <send Doctor Banner flowers> added._

THORSONOFODIN: I AM INDEED USING IRC AND INTERNET EXPLORER

BillionairePlayboy: nice to see you’re still here too buddy 

< _THORSONOFODIN has left the chat room >_

BillionairePlayboy: ok love you 2 pal

BillionairePlayboy: ugh

BillionairePlayboy: fine whatever BYE TONY WE LOVE YOU

BillionairePlayboy: see you later guys thanks for the love

BillionairePlayboy: need to fix the chatroom to have a less annoying notification noise anyway YOU’RE ALL WELCOME

BillionairePlayboy: ugh

< _BillionairePlayboy has left the chat room >_

_/Chat session ended at 5:22 pm/_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but sex. Who's feeling sex in the next chapter? (I am that's who.) Sex in the next chapter.

 

Bucky cooks in an apron. Steve had laughed when Scott had so much as implied it, but seeing Buck standing there, in the kitchen, with one of his mother’s white frilly aprons on? It’s a whole other matter. Steve considers himself kinda vanilla, but the apron thing? He might have a kink. 

He’s not going to admit it or anything, though, not in a million years-

To: Best Bird Friend: _Sam_. _Bucky is in an apron. I need life support._

-to anyone but Sam.

From: Best Bird Friend: _okay that’s it I’m kink shaming._

Steve: _Sam help me!!!_

Best Bird Friend: _Bro this one is all you._

_Do I say something about it?_

_um unless something’s changed since I left the chatroom aren’t you two all buddy chum chum no homo gosh golly gee straight with each other for the week? I think you say nothing about it._

_Oh. Right._

Well, that made things alright. And awful. 

To: Buckaroni and Cheese: _That apron looks really good on you._

He watches in excitement as Bucky pauses in conversation with Sara to pull his phone our of his pocket. He checks it and then turns back to glare at Steve. Clearly, he thinks Steve is joking. 

He is not.

To: Buckaroni and Cheese: _Very good._

Bucky rolls his eyes as he checks his phone again, but then huffs. He texts back: _ha ha ha very funny steve. fuck off_

Steve: _no you don’t understand i think it looks REALLY good Buck._

This time he raises a brow. He looks back at Steve, sees no humor in Steve’s expression, and then turns back to his phone. _i’ll fuck you in it later or whatever ur mom is trying to explain bread to me_

Well that’s more or less what he wanted. _that was easy._ He texts.

Buckaroni and Cheese: _almost as easy as u_

_Hey!!!_

“The secret is not to kneed it too hard.”

“Oh, I’m never too rough.” Bucky says to Sara. He looks over his shoulder. “Right, Steve?”

Sonofabitch. “Gee, Buck, I wouldn’t know.” 

Sara doesn’t appear to take the comment as anything. “You have to let it breathe, after all- even when you’re pounding it out on that counter. We don’t want air bubbles, but we don’t want hard bread.”

Steve groans. His mother is making this way too easy.

“Always let it breathe when I’m pounding it on the counter, don’t worry, this ain’t my first time baking bread.” He pauses and looks over his shoulder at Steve. “Do got a problem with it bein’ hard, though.”

Steve wants to die.

“Well we’ll fix your technique this time around. Have you ever made bread like this?”

“No, ma’am. Steve’s real tight-lipped about secret Rogers recipes.”

She laughs. “Well, any friend of Steve is welcome to them. If they’ve polite enough, of course.”

He grins. “And here Steve said I had no manners.”

“Oh, James, you’ve got wonderful manners! Steve doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Bucky turns to smirk at Steve. “See, Stevie? Your mom says I’ve got manners.”

“Yeah, I heard, Buck. Standing right here.”

Sara says, “Oh, dear, you’re not rolling it right. Steve’ll show you, I’m going to start on the green beans. Steve?”

He marches obediently over to the counter. “Don’t know if it’s his fault, ma, the prosthetic is kinda heavy, so it might be-“

“Oh nonsense. War accident or not, any man can make a loaf of bread.”

“Yeah, Steve, any man can make a loaf of bread.” Bucky sticks his tongue out.

Steve rolls his eyes. He steps up behind Bucky, like he does with all of his mother’s impromptu students, and wraps his arms around his ‘best pal.’ He guides Bucky’s hands in the correct way to roll the bread up and realizes very suddenly this position is a lot more sexual when it’s your husband you’re pressed up against. 

Bucky must realize it too, because he walks his ass back into Steve’s crotch.

_Breathe, Steve._ The Captain reminds himself. _Keep it together. Your mother is watching._

Bucky wiggles his hips a little and grins. 

“I am going to kill you.” Steve says through his teeth.

“Mmm, my ultimate kink.”

“Focus on the bread, jerk.”

“I’ll focus on _your_ bread.”

“Oh my god _shut up._ ”

“Put your fingers in my mouth and make me.”

Steve is blushing to the tips of his ears. Bucky is a jerk. An absolute jerk. The worst. Why did he marry this guy? Bucky should have left him to drown in the Potomac during their final fight as assassin and agent. (Because there would be PLENTY of fights as boyfriends and husbands to come. Just with less damage to body and property involved. And no ploy to get Bucky to stop from killing people. And no attempts on anyone’s head from Bucky’s side.) What kind of assassin falls for the body guard of his target and saves him from death, anyway? This is stupid. 

Steve shows Bucky how to finish up with the bread a little quicker than he needs to, but this is _not_ a game and he is _not_ going to get hard because Bucky has decided it’s funny to tease him since he can’t do a damn thing. 

“I’m divorcing you.” He grumbles. 

Bucky laughs, low in his chest. “Your mother will have her poor heart broken when she hears the news.”

Steve wishes Bucky could hear him rolling his eyes. Still, he leans forward and smiles against his husband’s neck. “You’re the worst.” he says, and it comes out much too found. 

“Oh, totally.” He bumps his ass back into Steve again.

Annnnd the moment’s passed. “Well, looks like you’ve got the bread thing done!” He says, maybe a bit too loud. He draws away from Bucky and thinks about Sam laughing at him if he has a story about getting a boner in the kitchen. He doesn’t want to be laughed at. He doesn’t. “Anything I can whip up, ma?”

“Wanna get to work on the pie?”

“Sure.” He smiles and wanders over the cabinet to get the ingredients for the crust. “Cherry or apple?” He asks, crossing his fingers for apple.

“You like apple best, don’t you?” Bucky remembers. 

Steve smiles. “Yeah, but if you guys don’t want it, I still like cherry.”

“James is right, dear, let’s have apple.” His mother says. 

“You like it more than _cake_ for fu- um, for Pete’s sake.” Bucky blushes and Steve thinks it’s the cutest thing in the world that he’s actually trying to be polite in front of Sara. “Don’t wanna deprive you of that.”

“Oh, James, you’re just the most darling thing. Most people forget that.”

“Well he always asks for pie on his birthday, ma’am- can’t forget that.”

She laughs. “Most assume it’s because pie is already around on the fourth.”

“And I bet they assume the fireworks ain’t for him either.” He shakes his head. 

Sara laughs much harder at that. She actually stops what she’s doing with the green beans to hold one hand over her stomach and another over her mouth, so as not so show the gap in her teeth. “My word, James, why hasn’t Steve brought you around before?”

“He kept askin’.” Bucky lies. “Kept telling him I didn’t want to intrude.”

“Oh, James, darling, you’re always welcome here.”

He smiles a little. “Thank you, ma’am.”

“Sara, please.” She reminds him. Her smile is a mirror of Steve’s.

“Sara.” He repeats. “Course.”

Steve just shakes his head and goes back to making the pie. 

He’s really, really glad his mom likes Bucky. In fact, he’d go as far as to say she even loves Bucky already. Maybe this will all work out after all. He can tell her, in a few weeks, maybe a month, that he’s thinking about dating Bucky. Come out, gauge her reaction, and go from there. And maybe in a few years time, they’ll get re-married on their anniversary with his mother there. He can introduce the rest of the ‘insurance firm’ to her. He can bring Bucky with him back home every Christmas, and his mom will badger them about adopting, and Bucky will be able to call someone mom for the first time in his life…

His mother is talking about the time Steve wet the bed at a slumber party. Bucky looks like he’s won the lottery. 

_Welp._ Steve thinks. _Forget that plan. Time to flee the country and assume a new life._

Bucky’s laugh and happy smile as Sara launches into another story makes that thought evaporate into thin air. He doesn’t care how awfully this could potentially go. Bucky… Bucky is worth it. 

… But maybe it’s time for him to step in. Sounds like his mom is going to start talking about the time he got his wisdom teeth removed and cried over a dead plant. He doesn’t want to get into that, Bucky smile or not. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments and kudos this far. Never thought that I'd would gain so many so fast! I hope everyone continues to love this fic as much as I love writing it.  
> Warnings for sexual content in this chapter, by the way. Enjoy!

They pump up the air mattress and wish Sara goodnight before they’re left alone. Outside, crickets chirp quietly and a car goes past every now and then. For the most part, it’s quiet in Steve’s old room.

Steve shuffles closer to the edge of his bed to smile at Bucky. He looks further from the assassin he used to be more now than ever, huddled up in old blankets on the inflatable bed. He’s wearing a long sleeve red shirt and his hair is lose around his face as he grins back at Steve. 

“Hey.” He says.

Steve feels his smile grow warmer; more fond. “Hey yourself.”

“I like this.” Bucky says. 

“Sleeping on an air mattress?”

“No, you big dope.” He rolls his eyes, but his smile remains. “Being here. With you, and your mom. It feels… nice. I like it.”

“We’ll have to do it more often.”

“I’d like that.” He pauses. “Never thought I’d have this.”

Steve knows what he means. “It’s everything you deserve, Buck.”

“What I deserve is prison time.” Bucky refutes. He waves his metal hand before Steve can say anything to the contrary. “I know, I know, it wasn’t my fault. Brain-washing, kidnapping, blah-blah-blah. Still killed a lot of people.”

“We go over this all the time.” Steve sighs. It’s true. “And you know you’re not the only one out there who’s killed a lot of people that isn’t a bad person. Just think of all the soldiers in the world. They live with that, too; doesn’t make ‘em bad.”

“I wasn’t just a soldier Steve.” 

When Bucky was eighteen he was dirt poor (just like Steve) and homeless (unlike Steve) without any family to call upon. So (like Steve) he’d enlisted in the military. By the time he was twenty he was the ‘best damned sniper in the army.’ A year later, his team was captured by Hydra- a worldwide terrorist organization- and brought back to Russia. Most of his unit had been killed early on, but Hydra had been working on heavy brainwashing at the time, and had used Bucky and his unit as test subjects. Bucky had been the most valuable of the bunch, in their eyes, so they’d done their ‘best work’ with him. By the time Bucky was 22 he was one of their top assassins; even though he’d not been put through Red Room (assassin training 101) from birth, like the others in his league. He’d lost his arm somewhere along the way, and they’d provided him with a new one that actually put most prosthetics to shame in order to keep him as a valuable asset. As far as Steve’s concerned, that’s all there is to the story. He _knows_ Bucky killed, and hurt, and took. He knows. But he doesn’t consider it as something Bucky has done. 

That’s on Hydra and Red Room. 

Steve, meanwhile, got the better end of the stick. He goes into the military at eighteen when he was finally growing out of his shrimp-stage. With actual food and medicine, he’d bulked up fast; no one had worked harder than he had in order to make a difference. Steve is one of the ‘best damned soldiers in the army.’ He gets fast-tracked up and up and up, and when he’s twenty-one he gets picked up by a brown-eyed CIA member looking to put his talents to better use. Her lips had caught his eye whenever she spoke- they were always blood red. “You’re too smart to be in the army. Too good. Too nice. You could make a real, actually difference.” (Bucky had been fed the same words in Hydra, but he’d paid dearly for believing in it, while Steve had not.)

Steve sees things as two sides of the same coin. He could have been the assassin. Bucky could have been the agent. They’d gone through the same motions, just on different sides, in a way. It could have been either of them. 

But it’s over now. They might not have a perfect life, but they’ve both found their happy ending.

“One day maybe you’ll love yourself as much as I love you, and then we won’t have to go over this at all.” Steve grins as Bucky hides his smile in his pillow. “But then, you’d be a… what’s the word? The Greek guy? Um… oh! Narcissist.” 

Bucky rolls over. “You’re a huge nerd, Steve Rogers.”

“And you’re a huge ass, James Barnes.” Steve sticks his foot out and lightly kicks said ass. Bucky turns over to glare at him, but the look’s effect is ruined by his smile.

“You lookin’ for trouble, pal?”

“Always.” Steve grins. 

Bucky grabs his foot and yanks, but Steve’s wise to him. He pulls back hard and scrambles back in his bed, looking for purchase and higher ground. Bucky growls and tosses his covers off as he jumps up onto Steve’s bed. He throws himself over Steve, and Steve just lets it happen. Then there are skilled fingers at his sides, and Steve freezes. 

He wouldn’t.

“I can see it now,” Bucky drawls; a wicked gleam in his eyes. “The headlines in the morning. Poor blue-eyed blond hunk tickled to death in his own home. Witnesses call it horrific, police say it’s wrong.”

He would. 

_Oh well._ “The blue-eyed blond would have wanted to go this way, says mother.” Steve laughs.

Bucky’s grin stretches. “Oh, so you wanna be tickled, hm?” His fingers start moving and Steve writhers underneath him, gasping as he tries not to laugh. “Nothing wrong with it? Don’t mind none?”

“I could do this all day.” Steve gasps. There are tears in his eyes but he refuses to laugh.

Bucky hooks his fingers in the spot right behind Steve’s armpit and the Captain finally loses it. He laughs frantically, pushing and prodding at Bucky in an attempt to get away. They end up rough-housing and the tickling dissolves into a wrestling match as they fight for a better position. Bucky’s metal arm hits Steve in the chin and Steve grunts. Steve’s knee manages to impale Bucky’s gut and Buck gasps.

They sit apart nursing their respective wounds for a second. 

“Jerk.”

“Punk.”

Steve rolls his eyes. 

“God, that’s cliche.” Bucky grouses. “The whole jerk-punk thing? Like Jesus.”

“No need to bring the lord into it.” Steve admonishes. “And it may be cliche, but you like it.”

“You know what else I like? My internal organs.”

Steve winces- he’d kneed Bucky pretty hard. “Sorry, Buck.”

“S’okay. Just wondering if you ruptured my spleen is all. No big deal.”

Steve shoves him off the bed. Bucky, however, had been prepared for his wisecrack to result in such an outcome. He grabs hold of Steve and takes the blond down with him, grinning. They fall onto the air mattress hard enough that they actually bounce back up, laughing. 

It’s kind of cold, though. They scrambled back into Steve’s bed and under the blankets. 

Steve lays back, letting Bucky curl into his side, and just breathes. “This feels right.” He says, because it does. “Being here with you. It’s like… it’s what I was always meant to do.”

Bucky hums his agreement. “Never thought I’d get to sleep with you at the in-laws.”

“In-law.” Steve shrugs. “… I think dad woulda liked you, though.”

“You didn’t even know him yourself, dummy.”

“Yeah, but if he was anything like me, he’d have known you were good.”

Bucky curls a little closer to Steve and kisses his neck. “You’re just trying to make me blush. Being all sweet. Shut up.”

“Make me.” Steve says automatically.

“Haha, okay.” Bucky lurches up to Steve’s mouth and kisses him, hard- lips closed. He pulls back to look at Steve’s eyes and grin, like he’s going to brag or something, but his eyes get caught on Steve’s lips. Bucky licks his own and then leans back down for another kiss. 

Steve groans. 

Bucky’s hands pin his shoulders as Steve’s wind up to fist in long brown hair. He tugs Bucky a little closer as their tongues meet between the seems of their mouths. Steve shivers as Bucky begins to rub their crotches together. 

They break apart for a minute. 

“Straight to the chase, huh?” Steve teases- usually there’s a bit of foreplay before the crotch mashing. He’s not complaining, though, really- he’s not. 

“Worried your ma might come in.” Bucky explains. 

Steve pinks. He’d totally forgotten about his mother. 

“Wonder what she must think about us being such good pals.” Bucky chuckles. “I see the way everyone looks at us, when we’re out, when we’re not doin’ nothin. Thinking we’re just such good friends. Brothers.” His flesh hand slips from where it rests as Steve’s shoulder to play with the waistband of his sweats. “Wonder what they’d think if they knew you’d let me fuck you in your old bedroom.”

Steve gasps, eyes flying open, as Bucky latches onto his neck. “B-Buck, she’ll see-“ he protests feebly. He loves hickies- gets real worked up about them, actually- but they’re supposed to be discrete. 

“I know.” Bucky bites his neck and then kisses it. “Everyone will see.”

“But they’ll know.” He would fight this if he wasn’t on the same page as Bucky.

“Will they?” He grins. “What will they know? How you moan my name the second I get your even a little bit hard? That I like to fuck you ’til your legs give out? What will they know, Steve?”

Buck is in a real mood tonight. Bucky is a dirty talker in general and all, but this? This is new. 

“Everyone aught’a know I’m in love with Steve Rogers.” Bucky breathes. His breath fans out hot against Steve’s ear as his hand finally slips underneath Steve’s boxers to barely brush along his dick. “But what they don’t know is what a damned mess you’re gonna make for me.”

“If mom hears-“

“She won’t know. We’re buddies. Pals. Friends. Amigos.” He chuckles darkly. “I even brought lube, Stevie. Can you fathom that? She- she won’t even know I’m debauching you under her own roof and I’ve been prepared to do it since I walked in the door this morning.”

“You’re awful.”

“The worst.” Bucky agrees. He takes Steve’s cock firmly into hand and starts to slowly stroke him. “You want me to, Steve?” 

“Huh?” He looks up at Buck, slightly dazed by pleasure. It’s been at least a week. 

“You want me to fuck you? Won’t be upset if you say no; gotta keep up the ruse, and it might be hard for you to do when I’m planning on fuckin’ you so hard you won’t be able to walk right in the morning.”

Steve has never been one to back down from a challenge. And he wants Bucky more than anything right now. “Go ahead and try.” He says- words a little too casual for how breathy he is. If it was him on top right now, being all ‘star-spangled-man-with-the-plan,’ he knows that Bucky would be in the same place, but he’s enjoying being the one who can’t control his breathing at the moment. God, he loves it when Bucky gets like this. Sometimes, Buck just wants to be loved on and Steve has to be big and protective and all-encompassing, and sometimes Buck wants to be thoroughly fucked and so Steve has to take total control. He loves every kind of way he and Bucky have sex, but times like these, where Bucky takes the wheel? He loves that he just has to hang on for the ride and hope to god he doesn’t wake the neighbors. 

He gets unreasonably excited all of the sudden. He hopes Bucky doesn’t notice.

“You like that, huh?” He notices. 

He grunts like he doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything, however; it’s kinda hard to deny the evidence. Bucky’s holding said evidence firmly in his hand and making it a little bit harder to ignore, after all.

“And here I thought you didn’t wanna get caught, Stevie.” He grins and nips at the shell of Steve’s ear, slowing his hand to a languid pace like he’s got all the time in the world to get Steve off. “But there ain’t nothin’ that’d stop you from letting me mess you up real pretty, huh? Come on. Take everything off.” 

They’re quick about removing the rest of Steve’s clothes so that he lies naked in the bed and waiting, while Bucky remains in his underwear. Steve watches Bucky throw his clothes god knows where and then licks his lips as Bucky strips his shirt. He reaches up to touch him but Bucky ducks down and back to Steve’s neck before he can get the chance. He settles on holding on to Bucky’s shoulders.

Bucky’s hand goes back to Steve’s dick. He says, “Bet you’d let me fuck you in the kitchen if your mom was just in the room over, you want it so bad, wouldn’t you?”

“Just hurry up and get to it.”

“Get to what?” Bucky asks, because he’s a real pain-in-the-ass-kinky-motherfucker who likes it when Steve has to say ‘fuck’ or ‘fuck me’ or ‘fuck me so hard I can’t walk in the morning’ or any other such variation of the general wording. 

Steve doesn’t like being goaded into things. “You know exactly what.”

Bucky slowly draws back, reaching behind the bed to one of his bags. The front pouch is open, and he easily draws out a bottle of lube. He uncaps it casually, dripping a generous amount onto his fingers before sliding them down to Steve’s ass. “I’m not sure I do.” His pace is slower than should be possible. It’s enough to drive someone mad.

“Buck- c-come on.” A finger slips in and Steve thinks that it’s been too long if he’s already coming undone like this. A half-done hand job and a single finger shouldn’t have him shuddering and helpless. And yet, here they are. 

“Whadaya want me to do, baby?” He grins, the asshole, and adds a second finger. He thrusts in and out languidly, unconcerned. He puts just enough pressure to tease and moves just slowly enough to make sure Steve can’t get off. He leans down and bites Steve’s hip hard before closing his mouth around the skin and beginning to suck. This mark is going to be black and purple by morning. 

Steve tries not to jerk up into Bucky’s touch when he does the same thing to the other hip. He refuses to say what he wants because goddamn it, he does _not_ back down from a challenge. 

“Bet they squint at us.” Bucky’s moved back up to Steve’s ear in order to whisper filthy things again. Steve hates that he loves it so much; he wants to win this one. “Wonder a bit. Think oh, hell, maybe there is something more- but no, no that can’t be it.” He chuckles. “Remember when ya’ got yer first uniform? That awful tight one with the star on the front? And that was back before any ‘a ‘em knew, and we were at the bar? And I asked if you were gonna keep it?” He laughs breathily in Steve’s ear. “They thought I was ribbin’ at ya, hm?”

Steve groans on the bed and wiggles his hips more, trying to find just a spark more of pleasure. The slow pace is killing him; he opens his mouth and a low growl of a whine escapes his lips. 

“I hear ya’ buddy.” Bucky chuckles. “Ate you alive in that thing. Fucked you over a desk. You fucked me over the desk. We _broke_ that desk. Always flirting with the line- how close could we come to exposing ourselves without doin’ it. And now we’re back at it again.” He hooks his finger just so, grinning wide and wet against Steve’s neck. 

Steve lets out a shout of a moan and slams his eyes close as his hips buck off of the bed of their own accord. 

“You gotta be quiet baby.” Bucky admonishes. “Your ma’ll hear.”

“Shut up and get to it already.” He gasps and spasms once when Bucky curls his fingers again; putting just enough pressure into the stroke on the drag back out that Steve can’t help a long whine. 

“Get to what?” he demands again. “Wanna hear you say it, Stevie.”

“I want-“ he gasps again. Finally, Bucky is starting to pick up the pace. “Ah- I, I want you to, to have sex with me. Hurry, Buck, please-“

“Wanted to hear you say you wanted me to fuck you.” Bucky purrs. “Dunno if I’m satisfied with a meager admission like that one.” He slows back down again. 

If Steve were the type, he would curse under his breath for that one. “Fine.” He decides, because what’s dignity when his cock is so hard it’s dripping? “I want you to fuck me.” 

“That’s what I thought.” Bucky says. He throws himself over between Steve’s legs and uses his prosthetic to slick his cock up. He grins wolfishly down at Steve, grabs Steve’s right leg, and throws it over his shoulder. He tracers the heal of the foot with his metal hand, smirking through his bedroom eyes. “Hard and fast so you cum good without further chances of bein’ found out, right, baby?”

Steve nods, face flushed as he pants. 

“You got it.” 

He pushes in hard and quick, with enough force to muse the sheets as Steve slides up closer to the headboard. Steve isn’t one to swear, but at times like this, he can’t seem to stop himself. He closes his eyes, head thrown back in bliss and can’t stop his mouth before he groan, “Oh, fuck.”

“That’s right.” Bucky’s forehead is beaded with sweat as he pauses. “Am I good to move, baby?” Always with the ‘baby.’ He hardly ever uses the nickname out of bed, but when they’re doing this sort of thing Bucky says it a lot. Steve loves it. 

“Yes- please, come on, hurry-“ he groans as Buck does just as asked.

Bucky slams his hips forward, holding onto the leg he’s thrown over his shoulder tightly as he bites at his lips. “Tell me when I hit the spot,” He commands, and begins to pull out and slam back. He changes his angle slightly with each thrust until finally-

“There!” Steve nearly sobs. “Right there, right there, yes, yes, yes, oh my god, Bucky- fuck, fuck, yes, shit- right there, right there-“

Bucky moves to his knees and braces the hand not holding Steve’s leg on the headboard. “That’s right.” He says, grinning around a look of bliss. His hair hands lose and sweat-slick around his face as he pants. “That’s right baby, that’s right.” He leans down for a long kiss, biting at Steve’s lips and sucking on his tongue as he continues to jerk into Steve. “Filthy little mouth on ya’ already. You haven’t even cum yet and you’re already cursing? Must be good, huh?”

It doesn’t take long like this. Bucky starts to shake, his hold on the headboard enough to make the wood creek as he throws his head back. The bed steadily ‘thump, thump, thumps’ against the wall. Steve’s eyes start to water as he scrambles to find purchase at Bucky’s back, fingernails scraping down the smooth expanse of muscle. 

“Bucky, Bucky, oh, oh fuck- fuck, I’m close, I’m so close-“

“Almost there, baby.” He leans down and starts to suck at Steve’s collarbone, forgetting to be discrete. His movements are already becoming slightly erratic, so he lets go of Steve’s leg and reaches down between them to jerk Steve off. 

“Oh- oh- oh- I’m-“ Steve comes hard, head thrown back as his jaw goes slack; mouth open in a silent scream of pleasure. Bucky isn’t far behind; he pulls out and spills all over Steve’s stomach with a long groan. 

For a moment they stay like that, trying to catch their breath.

Bucky shifts and the bed groans loudly in protest. 

“It’s never made that sound before.” Steve says in confusion, exactly two seconds before Bucky goes to stand and the bed lets out a loud ‘crack!’

They freeze, eyes wide as saucers, and try not to move. 

A second passes and nothing happens. 

“M-maybe it’s okay?” Bucky hopes. He slowly moves to stand again, intent on getting something to clean up with, and the bed shudders. It groans and then sways a little, letting out an acute ‘crack as the left top leg gives out and the whole bed crumbles. 

For a moment after, Bucky and Steve simply sit in the rubble, staring at each other with wide eyes. 

“Oh no.” Steve finally says.

“Oh no?” Bucky breathes. “Steve, I think the situation calls for more than an ‘oh no.’ I think this one here is what we call ‘oh fuck.’”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know it's been a while but I can explain- *throws a smoke bomb and escapes in the confusion*

“Pants.” Steve decides.

“Pants.”

  
They scramble out of the ruins for their clothes, rushing before Steve’s mother can come and find them naked and obviously both fucked. Bucky kicks underwear into the corner with his bags and messes things up enough that the clothing isn’t noticeable. Steve pulls on Bucky’s shirt and looks frantically for his in order to throw it to Bucky, but his husband is already pulling a new one out of his pack.

“Steve?” His mother’s voice is just down the hall, coming closer. Her tone is tinged with sleep, but it won’t be for long. “Everything alright?”

“It’s fine mom!” He calls. His voice sounds a little higher than it should.

“Right as rain.” Bucky gripes. He finds Steve’s shirt and frantically mops up the mess on the bed before chucking the ruined clothing into Steve’s open closet. (A closet he may as well be coming out of, if they don’t figure out a cover story fast.)

“I heard a crash.” She knocks on the door. “Can I come in?”

“Sure!” Steve tries to get his voice under control.

The door swings open, and there stands Steve’s mother. She’s in her little pink robe and has her hair up in curlers, looking every part the innocent elderly woman that she is. He doesn’t want to do this. 

“I take full responsibility, ma’am.” Bucky instantly says. 

Her eyes just go wide as she takes in the bed. 

“It was my fault.” Bucky continues. “You see. I. We.”

“What… James, dear, what happened?” She steps further into the room, brow furrowed in confusion. “I know it was an old bed, but…”

“I. I was jumping on the bed ma’am.”

Steve turns and smacks his forehead. This is never going to work. He’s dead. Long dead. Deceased and buried. 

“Jumping?” She repeats. “On the bed?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“I… I’m afraid I don’t understand, James.”

“Well you see, ma’am, Steve and I were roughhousing a little, and I feel back on Steve’s bed. It was, um, a little bouncier than I would have thought and- well, I’m afraid I turned into a child or something, because I got up and started to bounce on it.”

She stares.

“Steve told me not to, but I didn’t listen. I’m sorry.”

“You… broke the bed by jumping on it.” She repeats. It sounds a little like a question.

“That’s correct, ma’am.”

“Sara.” She corrects him off-handedly. 

“Sara.” He says. “I’m very, very sorry.”

“Oh, it’s, well it’s fine dear.” She comes a little further into the room and goes investigate the bed. When the leg cracked and the bed caved in, the main wooden frame around the bottom had split. “Hm,” she says. “I thought maybe we could prop it up with books, but it looks like it’s really broken.”

“I will pay for a new one.” Bucky insists. 

She laughs. “Well, I’m sure Steve would like that. It was very old, dear, this was a long time coming. Don’t worry.” She smiles at the both of them. “For now, let’s get it moved downstairs, hm? I’m sure you can take it somewhere in the morning.”

“Sorry mom.” Steve hangs his head. 

“It’s quite alright. I’m going back to bed; I’m sure you two can handle it. Now you’ve got something to do in the morning.” She laughs again and starts for the door, shaking her head.

“Goodnight mom.” Steve says. 

“Goodnight, Ma- um, Sara.”

She turns back to them. “Goodnight boys.” She starts again out of the room but pauses in the doorway, turning back to grin at them. “Oh, and James?”

He swallows. “Yes ma’am?”

“Steve broke his last bed jumping on it, too.” She giggles and then goes walking back down the hallway, disappearing into her room.

For a second it’s quiet. 

“You-“

“Don’t.” Steve says. “Just. Don’t.”

Bucky laughs and shakes his own head. “At least she wasn’t mad?”

“She would have been if _you_ hadn’t stepped up. I think you’re already starting to be her favorite.” He rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “I mean, breaking one bed by bouncing on it is bad, but if she’d thought I’d done it twice? And at my age?” He shakes his head. 

“Your shirt is wet.” Bucky notices. Two seconds later he remembers why. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.” Steve strips and throws it in the general direction of their underwear. “Come on, then.” He sighs. He starts towards the bed. “Lets get this downstairs.”

 

-o-

 

<Chat Room- secure server- IronProtocol302305>

 

BillionairePlayboy: okay so remember how I said I’d fix that glitch where we have to change usernames every time we re-boot the chatroom?

BillionairePlayboy: it’s like way too easy to do that and it sounded boring so I didn’t.

BirdGuy2: At least I got the memo that we can do creative usernames this time.

BillionairePlayboy: See? Sam sees the silver lining. I better not get a bunch of “ugh tony why”s from u all i swear

guyliner: ugh tony why

Mrs.Smith: ugh tony why

ORIGINALbirdguy: ugh tony why

BetterTwin1: ugh tony why

anactualfossil: ugh tony why

BillionairePlayboy: okay so I set myself up for that one but really? and come on Steve, I expected it from fucking GUYLINER but you?

anactualfossil: I saw the chance so…

StillYourBoss: How is it that you kept your username, Tony?

BillionairePlayboy: Pepper darling let’s not look too closely into this one

AlwaysAngry: All our usernames were funnier the first time. fix this.

BirdGuy2: speak for yourself

ORIGINALbirdguy: sam ur like the only one of us who had a shitty username

BirdGuy2: I thought it was a permeant thing, okay? it’s easier to just use the same handle for everything. didn’t realize tonys weird chat room was all memes

anactualfossil: what’s a meme?

guyliner: living up to the username there steve

ORIGINALbirdguy: at least he’s not living up to yours james :) 

guyliner: u may have a red headed bombshell of a shield bird man but she can’t save you every time

Mrs.Smith: since when am I a sheild? his beef, his problem. kill him if u want but don't drag me in to it

ORIGINALbirdguy: wow okay thanks BABE 

ORIGINALbirdguy: just throw me under the bus why don’t you

Mrs.Smith: I have a feeling James might beat me to it

guyliner: :) 

BillionairePlayboy: ANYWAY. Clint’s imposing death aside, we want a lover’s update. the deets, James, give us the deets

_< coffee4dayz has entered the chatroom>_

guyliner: deets? what the fuck 

ORIGINALbirdguy: death threats aside I am so sick of my cool names being stolen. first the bird thing, and now this? And coffee was my thing before yours lang so ????????

coffee4dayz: had nothing better than the first url so i decided to do what i do sorta good and steel

coffee4dayz: sorry not sorry

BillionairePlayboy: soctt b4 u get all excited and start sending like 88 things at once just know I’ve put a restriction on how many texts you can send in a certain time frame. just for the sake of keeping me sane, nothing personal 

coffee4dayz: ouch

_< maybespiderman has entered the chatroom>_

maybespiderman: GUYS WHAT’D I MISS

maybespiderman: oops sorry. caps lock 

bettertwin1: nothing yet. steve and yucky are about to give us the deets(tm)

maybespiderman: oh okay thanks wanda!

bettertwin1: … 

bettertwin1: a little hurt u assumed the better twin was her right away but OKAY

BillionarePlayboy: thought you were being a little to much of a dickhead with the tony thing to be our lovely matter expert. glad to know it was only speedy gonzales jr

bettertwin1: FUCK WHY DIDN’T I USE THAT AS MY USERNAME

ORIGINALbirdman: looks like username piracy is in fashion 

BirdGuy2: sorry clint 

ORIGINALbirdman: buy me a bear and we’ll call it a date

ORIGINALbirdman: I mean even ;)

guyliner: hey arrowhead ur bi is showing

ORIGINALbirdman: okay captain Bi of the Bi-tanic thanks for the bi-ly update

maybespiderman: wow that was intense mr. barton r u ok?

ORIGINALbirdman: ……….. don’t. don’t call me. don’t call me mr. barton omg

ORIGINALbirdman: like i may have ben a lil ticked a second ago bot now i’m honestly just baffled because like who in the fuck would call me mr. barton omg

BillionairePlayboy: besides Mrs. Smith you mean

StillYourBoss: Tony I’ll arrange for your funeral. 

Mrs.Smith: don’t bother. he’s already dead inside. what more am I gonna do?

BillionairePlayboy: OKAY the shade in this chatroom needs to be taken down like 18 notches STAT

_< witchrhymeswith has entered the chatroom>_

witchrhymeswith: really pietro?

bettertwin1: :) :) :) 

anactuallfossil: Okay! So here’s the update. First night went really well. dinner was a lot of fun and mom loves Bucky. we went out shopping for a new bed frame this afternoon with her and had a really great time! after we finished shopping we went out for ice cream. did you know they make custom flavors now? I had no idea it was a thing! Anyway, we just had a really great day. Mom still thinks we’re only good friends, which is sort of nice. Bucky and I are out for dinner right now, but we’ll be heading back pretty shortly. I think tomorrow we’re going to paint mom’s fence since it’s starting to look a little sorry, and buck wants to paint my room too, but we’ll see how mom feels. she was talking about redecorating my room to match the new bed frame and all, so I think she’ll be really happy to plan out a new look with Bucky! That’s pretty much it though. it was kind of a lazy day :) 

maybespiderman: captain rogers you are just so wholesome and pure and good and I really respect that sir I really do but

maybespiderman: well I hate to ask it but

BillionairePlayboy: Why, my dear captain, were you buying a new bedframe, hm?

StillYourBoss: tony don’t

maybespiderman: well that’s sort of what I was going to ask miss potts i’m sorry

Mrs.Smith: I really don’t think we need to ask 

ORIGINALbirdman: yeah like guys this one is pretty easy to figure out. remember the desk?

birdguy2: oh god not the desk

BillionairePlayboy: oh god not the desk

coffee4dayz: desk?

AlwaysAngry: It was an incident a little bit before your time with us, Scott. 

witchrhymeswith: ohhhhh my god I’d forgotten about the desk story

BetterTwin1: wish I had lmao

guyliner: yeah okay laugh it up dickhead

BillionairePlayboy: So is it like the desk thing? did you break the bed fucking?

guyliner: well I mean duh but can u guys chill? 

ORIGINALbirdman: chill. haha

guyliner: u are REALLY pushing it clint I will throw you under a deal ass bus

guyliner: *real

anactualfossil: we… may have broken it by behaving in a rather un-platonic manner. The important thing is that my mother thinks it happened from rough housing. The frame was really old, so it’s not like it was out of hand…

AlwaysAngry: The two of you break an unusually high amount of furniture having sex.

maybespiderman: nooooooooo don’t say that my hero worshiping soul can’t take it!!!!!

BetterTwin1: see you say you want to be romantic like Rogers but honestly i just wanna fuck like him

coffee4dayz: no way same tho

_< blackironman has entered the chatroom>_

blackironman: okay so the whole convo won’t load but based on the last couple of comments I don’t think I WANT it to 

guyliner: what you don’t wanna fuck like Steve?

BillionairePlayboy: okay so some idiot agent makes a joke about u being me but black ONE TIME and you’re still dragging the joke out to this day? please let it die I am suffering

blackironman: hey its not my fault 

StillYourBoss: it’s wonderful to hear from you Rhodey- how is California? 

blackironman: good to hear from you too Pep. It’s really hot but I’m liking it. Working on my tan

BillionairePlayboy: okay yeah your tan I SWEAR LET THE JOKE DIE PLEASE

blackironman: speaking of jokes that never die, how are you doing tony? 

BillionairePlayboy: oh you son of a bitch 

ORIGINaLbirdman: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ORIGINALbirdman: SOMEONE CALL 911 WE’RE LOSING HIM THE BURN IS TOO MUCH

ORIGINALbirdman: HE’S NOT COMING BACK FROM THIS ONE HURRY

_< BillionairePlayboy has booted ORIGINALbirdman from the chat room >_

guyliner: uh anyway Steve and I have shit to do so we’re out but you guys enjoy the shit storm coming. it always goes downhill after tony boots someone. 

BillionairePlayboy: watch out, boy band, next time it might be you

_< guyliner has booted BillionairePlayboy from the chat room >_

maybesiderman: did he just

StillYourBoss: I’m not sure how you managed to pull that one off, James, but I’d better go find Tony. You probably just emotionally destroyed him. 

StillYourBoss: Not to say I’m not proud of you. He really needs to be taken down a peg.

_< StillYourBoss has left the chatroom >_

coffee4dayz: he forgets he’s not the only guy who does computers, huh Barnes?

guyliner: revenge is sweet

Mrs.Smith: you both realize you could have asked me for this information a long time ago and saved yourselves the hunt for booting codes, don’t you?

guyliner: saving the red room favors for later Natalia 

BirdMan2: how long until you think he boots us all in revenge? 

_< THORODINSON has entered the chatroom>_

THORDODINSON: GREETINGS FRIENDS WHAT HAVE I MISSED?

_< BillionairePlayboy has force-closed the chatroom>_

 

_/Chat session ended at 7:47 pm/_


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stole the joke from Parks and Rec. I've never been original a single day in my life. Enjoy.

Painting the fence is a little more… taxing than expected. 

“Missed a spot.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “Did not.”

“This time you really did.” Bucky has paint on his nose, but Steve’s not going to tell him until he cuts it out with the dumb critique. Bucky had helped repair the fence in any place it was broken, but he wasn’t much of a painter; he got bored too fast. 

Case in point- the white handprints on Steve’s ass. 

“Sure I did.” He goes back over his latest work just to be sure. “Why don’t you go help-“

“Your mom? Yep. On it.” Bucky had clearly been waiting for Steve to let him go, and so he gets up to hurry back to the house. Steve makes sure to slap his ass as Bucky goes running by. “Hey!”

“Now we match.” Steve shrugs and hides his grin.

Bucky rolls his eyes and hurries on his way, but before he gets inside, Sara comes out- a tray with three ice teas in hand. 

“Let me get that.” Bucky insists. 

“You’re covered in paint, dear, it’s fine.” Sara laughs and makes her way over to the picnic table, setting the trey down. “Steve, honey, why don’t you take a break and have a drink?”

“I’m alright.” Steve answers. 

“I’ll bring it to him.” Bucky does as he says and trots over with a glass, which he hands Steve promptly, and then runs back over to the picnic table to sit.

Sara has her planning book out, and so Bucky sits down eagerly besides her, saying, “This looks fantastic! But what if we moved the bookshelf to the other side of the room? Swapped it with the desk, like that, so that he’s not crammed in behind the door when he’s working?”

“Oh, that’s perfect!” Sara jots something down, maybe moves her drawing around with arrows, Steve’s not sure. “I wanted to talk to you about the color scheme. I know Steve loves blue, but I was thinking perhaps this time we’d go with a little less red.”

Bucky nods eagerly. “Oh, yeah, that’d be good. Maybe some white and grays?” He pulls his phone out and holds it up for Sara to see. “I was thinking maybe ‘morning star’ would look good with this blue- the eggshell. Thoughts?”

“Oh, that’s perfect! Wait- hold on, pull up ‘dusk’ for a second.”

They pause. “Oh yeah.”

“That’s the better color by far.” Sara says. 

“It’s perfect. So dusk and morning star, right? And then for the white… here are the choices. What do you think?”

“Hmm… I like snow bright, but…”

“Absolute white looks good too.”

“Exactly what I was thinking.”

“Steve!” They both call at the same time. 

Steve turns around with a laugh. “Yeah?”

“Which one is better?” Sara asks. She holds up Bucky’s phone.

He squints at it. “Um… they’re both white.”

Bucky scoffs and says something in what is probably Romanian but might be Russian. Sara looks sadly on at her son, unimpressed and let down. “Oh Steve.” She says, helplessly. She shakes her head. 

“Both white?” Bucky scoffs. He points at his red shirt and says, “Does _this_ look white to you, Steve?” Shaking his head, he points at the screen, saying, “Absolute, snow white, cotton, daisy, swan, starlight, and _this_ , Steve, is white.”

Steve glares at him. “Who made you the authority on colors?” All the colors he just pointed at are white. This is madness. 

“Your mom.” Bucky refutes, childishly.

Sara nods.

Steve groans and turns back to the fence. _This_ he can do. “Just… do whatever you guys want. As long as I don’t come home to black walls and ceilings, it’s fine.”

“Don’t know, Steve, even if we painted the walls and ceilings black, you might not know it. Might mistake it for white.”

Steve turns and considers throwing his paintbrush at Bucky. Then he sees the look in his mother’s eye and reconsiders it. He’ll get Bucky back later.

He takes a long gulp of his lemonade and then stands, bringing the empty cup back over to his mother and Bucky. He sets it down and leans over Bucky’s shoulder to see what they’re working on. Bucky looks up at him and gives a little grin, leaning his head against Steve’s shoulder. 

“Come to make sure we’re not gonna sabotage you?”

“You’ve gotta stay in there, too, dummy.” But he does look it over, just out of curiosity, and has to admit it looks really good. “Wow.”

“We can get started on it…” and then Sara pauses. “Well, actually, I don’t know where you boys will sleep if we start on the room. You can’t sleep in there with the paint fumes, you know.”

“We can bring the air mattress down to the living room.” Steve shrugs.

“Don’t mind sharing.” Bucky says. He keeps his voice neutral, somehow. He notices that with Steve having moved, he’s on the man’s right. He shifts over on the bench to place himself on the other side of Steve again. “Right?”

“Yeah, it’s no problem.” Steve is glad that they’ll be able to sleep together without jumping at every other noise in the dark, afraid to be caught. It’ll be nice to sleep with Bucky peacefully and again, with the new excuse. 

“Well, alright.” Sara smiles and turns to Bucky. “James, dear, would you mind picking the paint up? I can get some cash and have you-“

“No need!” He hops up eagerly. “I’ll buy it. Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, dear, you really don’t need to do that. You’re our guest, after all.”

“I owe you both after the bed thing.” Bucky laughs. 

“I was kidding about you paying that back, dear.” Sara smiles. 

Bucky proceeds around the side of the house. “Nope. I’m buying it. My thank you!” He runs before Sara can say any more about it, heading out for the car. 

“Be safe!” Sara calls after him. 

Steve just shakes his head, fondly, and moves back over to the fence. He’s almost done. 

For a couple of minutes after Bucky drives away, Steve works in quiet peace while his mother drinks her tea and sits in the sun. After a little white, though, Sara shifts in her seat to face Steve. 

“James really is wonderful.” She says. 

He can’t help his beam of pride. “Yeah. He’s the best.”

“How long have you known him?”

They’d decided their cover story would be that they’d known each other about a year and a half. That was reasonable for their friendship and for Sara not having known about Bucky. Bucky decided they’d met during Christmas. 

“Almost two years, I guess.” Steve says, easily. 

“Hm.” She hums. It is not a content noise. It’s the one Steve makes when he knows something is up. 

Steve tenses. “Around Christmas.” He adds, like maybe it will save him. 

“That’s odd.” She says. 

“Why do you say so?”

“Oh, no reason. Just noticed that boy always puts himself on your left. He doesn’t even seem to think about it.”

Steve doesn’t get it. “Um… yes?”

“Because you had temporary hearing loss four years ago, dear, in your right ear. For that whole year. Long enough to form a habit, I’m told.” She glances at him and smiles at his dear-in-the-headlights look. “Lying is a sin, Steven.”

He cringes. “M-mom, it’s, um,”

“What I can’t figure out is why you would lie about that. Why would you want to keep him a secret from me.” She quirks her head to the side, still sharp, but not angry. (Yet.) “You want to try again? How long have you known each other?” 

“Eight years.” He spits. His blood runs cold because, um, what the hell? She’d gotten it out of him just like that? He’d been trained to withstand _torture_ and his mother had him spilling his guts with a look? This was ridiculous. 

Her eyebrows shoot up. “E-eight? Eight years?” She looks entirely baffled. “That long and you’ve never… you’ve never mentioned him?”

“I did. Sometimes. Just… not by name.” He sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t know, it was the insurance fraud case, he told you about it, right? And we can’t mentioned our clients by name, ever, and even… even when it was over if I’d connected him we could have been in trouble if anyone found out, so. I don’t know how it got all out of control like this.”

She sighs, shaking her head. “Steve, my God, sometimes you behave just like you did when you were seven, I swear.” She rolls her eyes, like he always does. He probably picked up the damned habit from her. “You could have just told me. I understand that sometimes these things happen. And you finally did bring him around.”

He shrugs. “I… I don’t know. It seemed like the reasonable thing at the time.” 

“I thought you were a little too close to have become friends just recently.” She laughs.

Steve turns back to the fence so that she can’t see the nervous twitch in his jaw. “Yeah.”

“Anything else I should know?” She asks, good humor lacing her voice. “He’s not a secret billionaire or a spy or something?”

He cringes. Of all the things. “Nothing to tell, ma.”

“Alright.”

It’s around then that Bucky- bless his gay ass- comes rolling back into the front. He hops out of the car excitedly, brandishing buckets of paint and rollers in a huge stack that he runs with. “Got the stuff!” He calls out. 

Sara laughs and stands. “Head on in, James. We can start on the room while Steve finishes up out here.”

He nods enthusiastically and begins after her. 

“Oh, and James?” She pauses, holding the door open for him.

He stops, too, in the doorway. “Yes ma’am?”

“Steve told me.”

Steve’s face mirror Bucky’s as all the color goes out of his features. 

“And… you don’t mind none? You’re not angry?” Bucky asks, nervously.

Steve starts waving frantically at Bucky behind his mother’s back, hoping he’ll notice.

“I’m a little peeved, but don’t worry dear. I understand why he hid it.” She laughs.

Steve waves with a little more aggression. 

Bucky sighs and leans back against the doorframe. “And you… you really don’t mind?”

“Of course not dear!” She tilts her head. “Why would I?”

Bucky smiles, relieved. It’s like watching the sun break the clouds after a storm. “You mean it? Even if you have to have a mess like me as your son-in-law?”

Steve’s heart stops completely. He stills, cold, and watches the world crumble in front of him. This is it. This is how he dies. How did it come to this- this myriad of misdecisions should _never_ have gotten this out of hand to begin with! And now. Now he’s really, truly, honestly going to die. 

“What.” Sara’s voice is completely confused for a whole second. 

Bucky moves awkwardly to put all the paint supplies down. He is suddenly clued in to the fact that he’s misunderstood. His eyes go wide as he looks back past Sara and sees Steve’s soul leaving his body. “I mean-“ He scrambles. “That’s not, uh, I meant-“

“Son-in-law?” She echoes. She raises a hand to touch her lips. “Oh my. Oh. Oh!”

Bucky backs up a little, clearly afraid of her reaction. “It’s not like you-“

Sara Rogers spins around to stare her son down, hellfire in her eyes. “Steven Grant Rogers!”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on this chapter being all chuckles and 'ohhhhh Steve you're gonna get it' and yet. Here we are. With a rollercoaster of emotions all crammed into one chapter. Please, enjoy. (This is not the last chapter. We've got 1-3 more, depending on what I decide. That includes one more Avengers group chat because I really liked writing those dumb things, for some reason.)

Steve knows what ‘going for a drive’ means. When you go for a drive with your mother, there is no escape. You are trapped, at her mercy, until she choses to let you go. (Or, rather, _if_ she choses to let you go.) If she turns off the radio before you even pull out of the driveway? You are in for one hell of a ride, my pal.

Steve’s been trapped in the car, in deadly silence, a couple of times. Most occasions were because he’d been picked up from the principal’s office after a bad fight, but every now and then it was something else. Usually involving his sense of justice over-riding his sense of self preservation. 

“I got beat up in that alley.” He says without thinking. He looks at Bucky- strapped in the backseat. 

Bucky presses his lips into a thin line and folds his hands together. 

“And that alley.” Steve says. He cringes. 

Bucky bows his head.

The silence drags on for three blocks after that. Sara waits at the stop signs a little longer than usual, too. Her knuckles are white on the wheel. She doesn’t ever prompt him to start his story, and that is worrisome. All her other trap-drives, she’d given an order to “start talking” before five minutes had gone by.

It’s been ten. 

“When I said son-in-law, I was-“

“James, darling,” Sara cuts him off, “There’s no covering for that slip.”

He quiets.

There’s no easy way to do this, but Steve also knows he’s not getting out of the car until he’s spilled his guts. 

_“Steven Grant Rogers!” Sara yelled. Hellfire blazed bright in her eyes. “Car! Now!”_

He cringes as he remembers her tone. The yelling had been better than this; now she’s cold and distant, waiting for him to explain himself without prompting. They’ve royally screwed up this time. There is honestly no way to go backwards on this. He could always throw himself out of the moving vehicle, but if the stunt doesn’t kill him, his mother will. He decides against it.

Another terse minute drags by.

Inexplicably, there’s sudden quiet laughter from the back. Steve’s eyes go wide, but he doesn’t move. Looking up in the rear-view mirror, he sees Bucky’s shoulders shaking. His quiet laughter is starting to get a little louder. For a moment, Steve is stunned- he thinks maybe he’s hallucinating- but no, that really is Bucky’s laughter; getting louder and fuller by the second.

Before Steve knows what’s going on, he finds himself starting to laugh a little, too. Within seconds both men have their heads thrown back as they laugh- Steve doesn’t even know why. It’s impossible to start once he stops, though, and after a moment tears are accumulating in his eyes from the force of his laughter. He doesn’t know if they _can_ stop laughing, even if-

Sara pulls over.

They sober instantly. The laughter dies, decays, and ghosts away on the wind like it was never there to begin with. 

“I am so sorry.” Bucky says. He grins, though, and the apology is lost a little. “It’s just- all we’ve been through and-“ he starts to giggle again, “We’re like little kids being expected to admit who exactly broke the vase or something and it’s just-“ He’s full out laughing again.

Sara presses her lips together and stares impassively ahead. 

“We’re married.” Steve says. It seems like the time. “We. We’re married.”

“I sort of got that one from the son-in-law comment.” Sara grounds out. Bucky’s laughter cuts off as Sara turns, eyes big and sad, jaw set in anger. That combination is the only indication Steve gets before things take a turn for the worst. “You’re gay? You’re gay and you never told me? Wh-what about Peggy? Was it all a lie?”

Steve’s eyes go wide. “Wh- no! No. No, mom, no, I- I loved Peggy. I loved her so, so much, I… I can’t even tell you how much I loved her.” He’s quiet for a second. “I was going to marry her.”

“Then what is this?” She asks, helplessly.

“I- I’m bi. We both are, um. I like girls and guys, and well…”

“Is that why you hid it? You… you got married without even telling me? Is it because he’s, well, a he!?” Her eyes waver with tears. “Steve, I don’t care who you love just so long as they love you just as much as you love them!” She blinks, and the tears begin to fall. “And you thought I… you thought-“

“No, no mom, no.” Steve shakes his head. Now that his mom’s crying, Steve’s not far from it. “I didn’t… It was all the legal stuff. And, I don’t know. It just all got out of hand so fast, and I didn’t know what to do. I mean, we were friends, but suddenly I was just.” He’s crying, and his voice sounds dumb. He rubs at his eyes and bites his lip. Bucky’s hand slips into his and he grips it back tightly in thanks. “I was just so in love and I couldn’t tell you, and I- I was scared to tell you, mom, because you’re the best in the world and I just didn’t want you to think bad of me. And the legal stuff was in the way and I thought… I thought it wouldn’t get out of hand but suddenly we’re engaged and then we were getting married… and I couldn’t just call you and say ‘oh hey ma come to my wedding?’ I couldn’t-“ He breaks off, crying hard as he clutches at Bucky’s hand. 

Sara reaches out for Steve’s free hand and grabs it. She’s crying pretty hard, too.

Bucky takes the helm. “It’s not that he wanted to hide it from you,” he says, sadly. “We both wanted to tell you. But we just didn’t know how, once things had gotten so completely out of control. Steve thought we could re-do it all, pretend to start dating, get your blessing, have a wedding where you could be the guest of honor. We really did.”

“And what about your parents, James?” Sara asks, helplessly. “Did you exclude them, too? Or am I the only one to get left behind?”

“I.” He blinks, startled. “I don’t have any parents.”

Sara starts crying harder. She blindly reaches out for him, grabbing the back of his neck to yank him forward into an awkward bony hug. It’s the best hug of Bucky’s entire life. He didn’t realize he’d needed it, or wanted it, but now that he has it? He finds himself blinking hot crocodile tears from his sights.

“Oh, James.” Sara shudders out a shaky sigh. “You do now. You do now.”

Bucky says, “We- we can still do it all over again. We always wanted you there.”

“We really want you with us now, ma, please.” Steve adds. “We- we’ll- I… I will do whatever it takes to make up for this, I promise. I’m so sorry ma. I’m so sorry. Just please…”

Sara shakes her head, clutching both her boys close as suddenly they’re all sobbing. “You two dummies.” She laughs a little. “Of course I want to be there. I- I’ve got so much to do. I have to make up for all those years, to. How- how many years?”

“Five.” Steve says. 

“Five?” She breathes. She sounds like she can’t believe it. “Good God, Steven.”

“I’m sorry.” 

She just shakes her head. “You’re still that little boy who thought he could carry everything- the entire world on his shoulders. Everything is going to be fine, even- even if you’re both complete idiots.” She draws back, slowly. She gives them both kind looks. Turning to James, she laughs abruptly. 

He smiles, sheepishly.

“You have my blessing.” She says, and then laughs again when he does. Shaking her head, she says, “I can’t believe I didn’t realize. You- you grabbed Steve’s butt and left handprints. I don’t know how I didn’t see it.”

They both exchange sheepish looks. 

“All these things that you two were doing, and I thought it was all just friendship. The hugging, the hands, the nudges, those little quirks and looks and… and…“ She suddenly pauses. 

“… Ma?” Steve puts a hand on her shoulder. “You okay?”

She’s pale. “You- you broke the bed.” 

Steve’s face drains of color. Bucky flushes, groans, and hides his face in his hands. 

“Did you…?” She flushes bright red, and seeing Steve open his mouth, says, “No! No, I don’t want to know! You two.” She shakes her head. “The both of you are going to put me in an early grave.” She takes the wheel back, checks the empty street, and then pulls a U-turn to start back home.

“Sorry ma.” 

“Sorry ma’am.”

“Sara.” She corrects, offhandedly. She blinks. “Or mom.”

Bucky pinks. “… Mom.”

Sara’s smile grows. She shakes her head again, muttering, “Married. I can’t believe it. Married,” under her breath. “We have so much to talk about.”

The ride back is a different type of silent- filled with small giggles and sniffles here and there. They’re all smiling like idiots, and more importantly, it looks like no one is going to die. Sara must be an angel, or something close- which kind of explains her ‘wholesome apple pie’ son, once you think about it. 

As they pull into the driveway, Sara cuts the engine and then turns to the two boys. “So.” She says, expectantly. “When’s the second wedding?”

They laugh. Everything really is going to be okay. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Avengers group chat. Annnnnd I think that next chapter will be the last, or second to last, depending on if I decide to write the bonus chapter or not. Anyway, thank you all so much for the tons of kudos and comments on this! I never expected this kind of feedback for my fic and it really, really helps. I'll be sure to write more Stucky fics in the future.

<Chat Room- secure server- IronProtocol302305>

 

ScienceBitch: Good evening, everyone, and greetings from London. Sorry it’s been so long since we last checked in- Thor did his best, but Darcy still has him in training. Brilliant man, I swear, but he does not mix well with our technology. We need to get him something up to date, clearly, but he may be checking in later regardless. Anyway, how have things been? I hear Steve is on holiday?

NotGreen: Jane, it’s good to hear from you. You’ve… missed a lot.

NotSpiderMan: CAPTAIN ROGERS AND MR. BARNES WENT ON A ROMANTIC GETAWAY WITH STEVE’S MOM WHO DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE MARRIED. 

NotSpiderMan: the situation called for all caps and let me tell you miss foster its been a wild ride

UltimateWingman: Team says hi Jane! The birds all miss you. Anyway, Peter’s not exaggerating. 

SPECTRE: hes really not

< _BillionairePlayboy has entered the chatroom_ >

BillionairePlayboy: I see everyone is enjoying the glitch-fix. Anyway, someone get her up to date so I can start making the wise cracks. It’s my job, really. 

SPECTRE: ill text everyone to get on

BillionairePlayboy: okay, Natasha, I’m guessing, no one has everyone’s phone numbers. I’ve tried

SPECTRE: your try and my try are worlds apart

BillionairePlayboy: yeah well good luck getting them all online at once.

_< capsicle has entered the chatroom>_

_< WinterIsCumming has entered the chatroom>_

_< arrows4dayz has entered the chatroom>_

_< pepperoni has entered the chatroom>_

_< BetterTwin has entered the chatroom>_

_< TonyStank has entered the chatroom>_

_< SizeMaybeMatters has entered the chatroom>_

_< BetterTwin1 has entered the chatroom>_

_< codingwithmorals has entered the chatroom>_

BillionairePlayboy: OKAY SURE WHATEVER

BillionairePlayboy: And Rhodes, that joke is suppose to be dead. Bringing it to the chatroom is an open declaration of war.

TonyStank: I’m so scared

BetterTwin: really pietro?

BillionairePlayboy: AND WHO THE HELL IS CODINGWITHMORALS

BetterTwin1: (: (: (:

SPECTRE: i think you know

BillionairePlayboy: vision is suPPOSED TO BE OFF GRID THERE IS NO WAY YOU GOT HIM TO JOIN OUR CHATROOM BECAUSE I’VE BEGGED FOR MONTHS AND HE’S DONE NOTHING

codingwithmorals: good afternoon, sir. It’s been a while. Though I suppose it would be good morning where you are. 

BillionairePlayboy: OH COME ON

BillionairePlayboy: well you didn’t get Thor so it’s not EVERYONE so there

< _THOR_ _has entered the chatroom >_

BillionairePlayboy: …

BillionairePlayboy: Anyway, back to cap & co so I can stop being the butt of the joke and join in on the laughing 

WinterIsCumming: like that’s gonna happen

ScienceBitch: I am rather curious, James, if you don’t mind. 

WinterIsCumming: I’ll let Steve explain. Just keep your heckling up, he’s typing it all out. 

SizeMaybeMatters: Natasha what’s the username this time?

BillionairePlayboy: Oh come on it’s not even an OBSCURE spy movie this time, Lang, get with it

arrows4dayz: it’s from that spy move From Russia with Love. think it’s its own movie or whatever too but we like the double joke of the former

UltimateWingman: the amount of thought you guys put into the usernames is astounding 

arrows4dayz: see you put some thought into yours this tie too sam lol

arrows4dayz: *time

UltimateWingman: I feel like you’re even more of a dick on here than in real life

arrows4dayz: pretty much

NotGreen: Why do we even do the chatrooms when it dissolves into this sort of thing every time? Can I vote for a long email from Steve sent to each of us? 

ScienceBitch: I don’t know, it’s almost fascinating to watch them do this. 

SizeMaybeMatters: fascinating like the way it’s fascinating to watch your boyfriend try to handle the computer or like less than that?

ScienceBitch: Excuse me?

NotSpiderMan: :O

codingwithmorals: Please note that Jane is not like Tony, Scott. It would be wise to back down while you can.

SizeMaybeMatters: yeah i’m sensing i’ve fucked up and would like to opt out now

capsicle: Okay! So! Here’s the full thing, for Jane, and the update for the rest of you. I went to my mom’s to take a couple days off, but she ended up trying to set me up on a date (I can’t believe that’s what started this) and Bucky came to save me. I thought maybe it would be nice to have him over since mom’s never met him since, well, she didn’t know he existed. So we decided to play the best friends card and, well, it was a little awkward but up until yesterday evening that’s all it was- we were just friends. Anyway, um, there was a bit of a slip-up and we ended up clueing her in to the fact that we’re married. So we had a big confession and talked it out. She knows, now, not about the CIA stuff obviously but she knows about everything else. (We are NEVER telling her about the CIA stuff. Ever. Just thought I would put that out there. You’re still all my coworkers from insurance.) It was pretty bad, but she’s really accepting of it and… well, it turned out really nice. She wants us to do a second wedding so she can be there, and I personally think it would be nice to have a proper wedding. Just having the ceremony and signing everything with Fury to do it all and Nat for a witness was what we needed, but… well, can’t help but be excited for something a little more! So yeah. That’s the update. 

ScienceBitch: oh my god.

BillionairePlayboy: like that you skipped the part where you broke a bed fucking 

SPECTRE: I call maid of honor

WinterIsCumming: Steve’s already got it all worked out. He’l send that next but, again, he likes to send fucking novels so you’re gonna have to wait while he types it all out. You’re my best man/ maid of honor or whatever tho, Nat. getta sand up there behind me or whatever

WinterIsCumming: *stand

NotGreen: I’m glad for you both. It’s always good to be able to let the secret go. I’m looking forward to your wedding!

NotSpiderMan: OMG Captain Rogers!!!!!!!!!! I’m so excited oh my god can I please be invited I’m so happy you are like a father to me and mr barnes is like the tough mom who yells at me about leaving my shoes out and I’m just so happy for you and ahhHH!HH!H!H!H!HH!!!!!!!!

WinterIsCumming: chill 

BillionairePlayboy: Peter don’t ruin the team family dynamic BRUCE is the mom

NotSpiderMan: well maybe to you but to me mr banner is like my wise mentor who tells me metaphors that, like, will make sense to me at some important central part of my life when I most need it

NotGreen: … Thank you, Peter.

BillionairePlayboy: MOM this is an OUTRAGE don’t thank him

pepperoni: hush tony

NotGreen: please stop talking tony

BillionairePlayboy: you two and your double teaming me. I’m crushed

pepperoni: good

NotGreen: good

BetterTwin: This is incredible news! I’ve always known you both as a married couple, but this is going to be wonderful. I hope we’re all invited. Well, maybe not Pietro

arrows4dayz: excited for the gayest event of the century

WinterIsCumming: it’ll only be the second gayest

arrows4dayz: ?

WinterIsCumming: you were born this century, weren’t you clint? that’s still up at number 1

TonyStank: omfg

BetterTwin1: HOLY SHIT

arrows4dayz: alright I’ll give you that one

SizeMaybeMatters: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BURN

BillionairePlayboy: oh how the tables have turned

WinterIsCumming: don’t get too excited tony I’m still ready to throw down with you at any given moment in time

BillionairePlayboy: um rude?

SPECTRE: second murder ive witnessed today

codingwithmorals: oh dear

NotGreen: Nat isn’t that supposed to be confidential? 

SPECTRE: isnt this line supposed to be confident? and u never know i could be joking

WinterIsCumming: You? joke about murder/ Sure

SPECTRE: i never did finish trying to kill u

WinterIsCumming: same. bring it on 007

capsicle: So, for the wedding, I’m thinking this will be the lineup. On Buck’s side, in order, we’ve got Nat as Maid of Honor, Clint, and Bruce. (IF you guys are okay with that!) and on my side I want Sam as man of honor, Tony, and Wanda. Peter on the rings. Fury can do the ceremony again, if he’ll let us ask him… Anyway, everyone else is welcome to be the guest or we can work the team into the wedding party, but it’s going to be pretty small still! We can still give this a bit of thought, too. I mean, we can have as many people as we want standing up there, but then there’d be no one to watch the actual wedding… Besides mom of course. And coulson, and hill, and, well, a few select others but I think everyone gets what I mean!

BillionairePlayboy: wait, what? 

BillionairePlayboy: um hold up why am I in the lineup is that a typo there’s no way you like me that much

WinterIsCumming: Hard to believe, right?

capsicle: Tony we’ve been friends for years!!! 

BillionairePlayboy: “friends” 

NotSpiderMan: THIS IS AN HONOR oh I won’t let you down I promise this is going to be the best day of my entire life can my aunt may come? I’m vibrating with excitement I think I may get kicked out of class

SPECTRE: the lineup pleases me

arrowz4dayz: awwww frost <3 I knew you loved me

capsicle: Peter are you on chatroom at school???!

NotSpiderMan: Sir hear me out

NotSpiderMan: it is so boring here I already know this stuff

WinterIsCumming: you’re in your advanced chemistry class right now, right?

NotSpiderMan: yeah

WinterIsCumming: huh. smart kid? Nerd.

NotSpiderMan: when mom says you're smart :D

capsicle: Peter pay attention in class you shouldn’t be on here. 

NotSpiderMan: when dad admonishes you D: 

UltimateWingman: YOOooo best man right here hell yes!

NotGreen: I’m honored to be up there

BetterTwin1: okay so Wanda gets to be in the ceremony but I don’t? rude

BetterTwin: you’re only ever on mission with Clint when we’re in the America! 

BetterTwin1: yeah i’m actually really cool with being in the audience sis I was joking

BetterTwin: You can’t joke with Steve he will take it to heart

WinterIsCumming: that’s DEFINITELY not true lmao

ScienceBitch: We’re all so excited to be there! We’ve been meaning to make a trip back to the US for a while now. Darcy is ecstatic- almost as much as Thor. Erik, too!

TonyStank: congratulations to you two

SizeMaybeMatters: can my plus one be my daughter? 

WinterIsCumming: duh

Pepperoni: Do you two need help planning?

capsicle: Yes, please!

codingwithmorals: guess I’ll have to come back on grid… 

BillionairePlayboy: because Natasha didn’t already get you back on. 

SPECTRE: ;) 

BillionairePlayboy: okay, so, someone is trying to hack me again (happens like every week) and they’re doing pretty good sooooo I’m gonna have to close the server. Wanna see how far this kid gets before I either have them arrested or recruited. so. say your goodbyes. 

TonyStank: your goodbyes

BillionairePlayboy: fuck

< _BillionairePlayboy has closed the server >_

_/Chat session ended at 10:22 am/_


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last real chapter. Some of you may say, "Um, excuse me, where is my second wedding fic?" Well, buddy, it's- *vaults fence and runs to the wild, free, to never be found again*

“ _My boy Steve is one of the kindest and most loyal men you’ll ever meet, but if you think he’s darling, you have to see his husband- so polite and eloquent that I’m always so proud and excited to call him my son in law!”_

They lock in on the target. Small, but valuable- a flash of blue velvet under the harsh lighting. Someone calls from a distance, and a child is crying. Steve turns and meets Bucky’s eyes, giving a nod. 

“ _They’re coming down for Christmas. Steve works in insurance, so he rarely gets time off, but James- that’s his husband- works with him and manages to get them time off to come see me every so often. This Christmas will be no exception, I assure you.”_

They don’t have much time. They’re supposed to be at the pre-discussed location in an hour or less. The snow will make it harder to get there on time. Steve and Bucky proceed together, smoothly, tactically, and barely manage to step around a man before he can intercept them. The guy goes after another target, sensing that these two are not to be trifled with. Steve and Bucky move on.

“ _The party will just be fantastic, I can assure you. James and Steve bake the most amazing bread, and James will be serving drinks. He lived in Russia for a while, Linda, did I tell you that? So cultured.”_

The target is within range. A metal hand reaches out and makes a grab for blue velvet as Steve looks around at the other potential targets in range. None or so much like what had been described to them as the one in the blue. He’s sure this is the one. 

He reaches into his pocket, ready to make it final. 

_“They even said they’d bring some friends from the insurance team around this year! I met them at the wedding and they were all just delightful. James’s best friend, Natasha, is such a clever girl. And Steve’s best friend, Sam? He’s such a sweetheart. Hearing that the lot of them had no plans for Christmas this year nearly broke my heart, so of course I had to invite them all down. So excited to have them, and you know they’ll make the party something to be remembered.”_

Bucky puts the target down on the counter.

“Will this be all?” The woman behind the counter smiles and picks up the long blue box with the necklace inside. The pearls shine under the florescent lighting. 

“Yeah.” Steve smiles at her and pulls his wallet from his pocket. 

“Can we get this gift-wrapped? Bucky adds. Of course he’d remember. 

“Of course! Present for a girlfriend?” She rings up the total, still smiling. 

Bucky grins. “For his mother, actually. Can’t disappoint ma.”

She laughs a little and shakes her head, turning to get them all set up.

“We gotta move.” Steve says. “We’re supposed to be there soon.”

“Oh, Steve.” Bucky shakes his head. “We brought the bike. It’ll be fine.”

“Her house is twenty minutes away!”

“With my driving? Make it ten.”

_“I’m sure it will be an easy, lazy time the rest of the holiday, of course. I don’t think the insurance type get up to much!”_

Steve can’t believe they just ran that red light. “That’s illegal!” He yells at Bucky.

“You think I don’t know that?” He yells back. He picks up speed and pulls a turn that should have been dangerous, but somehow isn’t. Huh. 

“She won’t be mad if we’re not right on time, Buck!”

“I gotta be punctual so your mom loves me!”

“She loves you anyway!” 

“Well, you’re not wrong.” Steve can sense Bucky’s grin- the smug tone in which he speaks suggests it. “I _am_ the favorite son, after all.”

“I should have killed you when I had the chance.” He grumbles.

“Til’ death do we part, baby!”

_“Oh, I hear Steve’s motorbike pulling up now, Linda. I’ll have to talk to you later. See you at the party- I’m really looking forward to your infamous pumpkin pie this year! Bye!”_

“We made it.” Bucky dismounts the bike and shakes his hair out, beaming. “You got the package?”

Steve gets off the bike and rolls his eyes. “Yes, _dear_.”

“Good. Clint give you an ETA?”

“Later tonight.”

“Good.” Bucky starts towards the house.

Sara opens the door before they can even reach it, of course. “Boys!” She calls, happily. “It’s been too long!” 

“Hey ma.” Bucky grins and steps up for the first hug. That jerk.

“Hiyya ma.” Steve holds on extra long with his hug and sticks his tongue out at Bucky. Favorite son his butt. 

“Ready for another crazy christmas?” Sara asks as she draws back. “I’m making shepherd’s pie for dinner.”

“Yes and yes.” Bucky laughs. “We just gotta unload some stuff. And oh, this-“ he reaches into Steve’s pocket and pulls out the wrapped package. “-Is for you.”

She beams at the both of them. “I’ll put it under the tree.”

When she’s gone, the boys head back out to the bike for their travel bags. Natasha and Clint will be by in the car with the rest, later, but they can unload what they have now. While it’s just the two of them, they pause a moment just to grin at each other. Big stupid happy grins. A sort of ‘we made it.’

“Ever think we’d make it this far?” Steve finds himself asking. 

“Don’t know.” Bucky answers honestly. “I’m just glad that we did.”

They take each other’s hands, because they’re saps, and begin back inside. Steve’s room still looks brand new despite the many times they’ve stayed over, and as they put new sheets on the bed in the guest room, they have to say it looks just as pretty, too. There are other places in the house that look like new, since they’ve made it their goal to fix something every time they come to see Sara.

Bucky wonders what it will be this year. 

Steve wonders what it will be in years to come. 

“Feels like home.” Steve says, putting his things down. “Doesn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Bucky says, and then laughs. “It does.”

-o-

Fin 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Mia" commented back a couple of chapters, before the car ride, and said "Run Steve, run!" after Sara gave her infamous "STEVEN GRANT ROGERS." Thought a little too hard about it and said, "huh, maybe I'l write it up as a bonus chapter. Idk." well, it's completely stupid, but I hope you guys get a small giggle out of my stupid ramblings anyway. If you didn't sign up for that shit, go ahead and skip this chapter- the actual fic ended last chapter. Thanks!

BONUS! The fic that could have been:

 

“What.” Sara’s voice is completely confused for a whole second. 

Bucky moves awkwardly to put all the paint supplies down. He is suddenly clued in to the fact that he’s misunderstood. His eyes go wide as he looks back past Sara and sees Steve’s soul leaving his body. “I mean-“ He scrambles. “That’s not, uh, I meant-“

“Son-in-law?” She echoes. She raises a hand to touch her lips. “Oh my. Oh. Oh!”

Bucky backs up a little, clearly afraid of her reaction. “It’s not like you-“

Sara Rogers spins around to stare her son down, hellfire in her eyes. “Steven Grant Rogers!”

Steve has faced a lot of things in his life. Guns in his face, bombs in his face, animals in his face, brain washed assassins in his face. Lots and lots of things that terrify him, right up in his personal space. And those things had scared him, yeah, but this? This is terror. 

So, he does the logical thing. He gets up, vaults over the fence, and runs. 

“Steven!” Sara roars, but Steve doesn’t slow down.

“Steve, hey, wait!” Bucky yells. He vaults the fence too. 

“I’m a nomad now!” Steve yells back. He’s already got it all planned out. He’ll disappear. Bucky will find him, follow him, whatever. He’s good like that. But Steve will just keep running. Trade names, dye his hair, flee the country.

He disappears into the wilderness, leaving that particular shit storm behind.

Fin. 


End file.
